Part 2 of 4: Mortuary (2005)

Film 2

Starring: Dan Byrd and Denise Crosby

Directed by Tobe Hooper

Format: DVD 4 Films Collector’s Set Horror

“A Family moves to a small town to run a long-abandoned funeral home, only to discover that something evil lurks there-something that raises the dead and feeds upon death itself.”

My Story:

Just a continuation of this Horror Four Pack.  I chose Mortuary next because it’s directed by Tobe Hooper.  I do enjoy most of Hooper’s stuff, so we’ll see how this one goes.  The synopsis of the films put on the back of the DVD case are pretty vague.  Maybe it’s for the better.

My Thoughts:

  • Uh oh, already some pretty poor editing…
  • That house looks AWFUL. Why would this woman ever consider buying this place?
  • Oh, she already bought it…too late.
  • They delivered the family’s dead father to the house in a coffin and left it in the living room.
  • Jamie, don’t open the coffin! That’s just craziness.
  • OH, it’s that kid from Aja’s remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Don’t go into the attic! That’s just dumb.
  • Are there usually cemeteries next to funeral homes?
  • Jonathan would ask for the room in the attic overlooking the cemetery.
  • The mother would have Jamie help her unload boxes in the morgue.
  • How many statements can I have with a sarcastic “would” in them? Sarcastic? Is that the right term?
  • Okay mom, lets immediately put dangerous looking keys on the key ring.
  • Oh my…something’s growing from the drain!
  • Punk teenagers in the diner making fun of Jonathan, what jerks.
  • Shadows in a cemetery…what if it’s just people visiting their loved ones! Come on…
  • She mixed her embalming and kitchen utensils in a box? That’s like putting food groceries in with cleaning supplies!
  • How come the people at the diner know all about the funeral home/cemetery? Oh, it’s because they are diner employees, they know everything.
  • Jamie’s putting Twizzlers on all of the gravestones? Seriously?
  • OH NO! One of the tombs is open!
  • It isn’t like you are drastically far away from your house lady.  Get a flashlight instead of using a lighter to explore the tomb.
  • “Together we can stop graveyard babies.”-the Cop to the Mother.  What a great statement.
  • Liz, I wish you weren’t a character in this movie.
  • Hoodlums in the cemetery.  They got what was coming to them.
  • Why is Jonathan mad at his mom for showing Liz a dead body, if Liz asked to see one?! Stupid.
  • You know, I HATE when my embalming machine malfunctions and the fluid goes everywhere.  What a mess.
  • Why aren’t they wondering where the plant like substance comes from? I mean, it’s all over their house.
  • What is this, Night of the Creeps?
  • Hey lady, there’s algae vines all over your wall…if there ever was such thing.
  • Yeah, okay, run into the cemetery. Where the problem started.  OH, and back into the tomb.  Okay.
  • I don’t understand the electrical wiring underground, there are lamps everywhere!
  • CAT FIGHT.
  • She’s infected, I don’t get why she’s helping the non-infected people.  Maybe she gets a bonus for infecting more than two.
  • When did this movie run on SyFy channel? It’s real bad.
  • I’ve absolutely seen that prop in the Halloween store before.
  • Oh come on Jamie, Bobby is just trying to play!
  • Good thing the monster likes Twizzlers, right?
  • That well is alive!…with the sound of music…and tentacles.
  • See, if these monsters came around Syracuse, NY, it would be no problem.  There’s enough salt to kill them all.
  • There are no happy endings.

The Verdict:

This is very much a movie you would see on SyFy channel.  I was entertained because it was an awful movie.  The important part of that sentence being “it was an awful movie.”  It was pretty poorly made, and I’m kind of upset Tobe Hooper even set out to make something like this.  If this was made as a straight-to-video movie in the 80s or 90s, I probably would’ve let it slide.  But it wasn’t, so it sucks even more.  I don’t know if I’m being too easy on the acting in the past few films, but the acting in this wasn’t too bad.  With the exception of Alexandra Adi as Liz and Denise Crosby as the mother. Their performances were mediocre.  I do enjoy sitting down and watching a bad movie here and there.  I just wouldn’t recommend it to someone who would prefer not to waste their time.  This is one of those movies.

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5 responses to “Part 2 of 4: Mortuary (2005)

  1. OH, these movies are getting bad. We have got to get you some “better” movies to watch. These sound like even the SyFy channel wouldn’t show them, except maybe at 2 AM. Almost as bad as all the beach/surfer movies from the 1970’s.

  2. Am i the only one who sees the advertisement with the gun in his underwear riding a mechanical horse????

  3. Do they have a fucken mortuary 2???

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