Starring Alex D’Arcy, Barbara Valentine, Allen Turner, Temple Foster, Donna Vlsike, Norma Townes
Directed by Jaime Nolan (Fritz Bottger)
Tagline: “Transformed into the world’s most hideous monster with a diabolical lust to KILL!”
“A team of chorus girls find themselves caught in a deadly web when they are shipwrecked on a remote South Seas island. The lush, tropical isle seems an ideal place to await their rescue, but hidden in the jungle are giant poisonous spiders. A venomous bite transforms the girls’ escort into a disfigured beats, half-man and half-insect. Consumed with lust and craving blood, the monster hunts down the defenseless girls and slaughters them one by one. The ensuing panic drives the dancers to squabble and fight among themselves until they realize that their only hope for survival is to work together in a final stand against the monster.”
This was a movie featured in an earlier post of The Loot, and man am I excited. I know it’s been a while since I posted a review, but I just needed a little bit of a break I suppose. That and I’ve been kind of busy. Which reminds me that there most likely won’t be any posts next week because I am going to be away, but I may just have a whole bunch of posts by the time I return.
Back to the movie. This sounds like it’s going to be absolutely awful and I’m very excited about that. I didn’t even write the rest of what is on the back of the DVD.
“Originally released in West Germany with the title Ein Toter hing im Netz, this campy sexploitation film uses every trick in the book to sneak a peek at its heroines’ nubile bodies.”
Nubile bodies? Every trick in the book? WEST GERMANY?! My god, this is going to be so so so so so bad. I looked at the IMDB rating, it ain’t pretty. In the first description of the movie, they didn’t even know if the group of girls were dancers or a choir! Oh man, I have a feeling I’m going to tear this thing up.
- A character named Babs, she’s going to be nude a lot more than anyone else with a name like that.
- I should’ve known this would be English dubbed.
- “When they take their turbans off, they’re just like any other man.” Until then though, they are totally not men.
- Alright, I guess they’re dancers then; this lady named Carolyn is dancing.
- The boss deciding the dancers is a nut.
- Did they really use footage of a plane on fire crashing into the ocean?! How do they manage to survive that?
- All the women are crying in the inflatable raft. Such a sad sad situation.
- That was the worst fake slap I had ever seen.
- THEY SPOTTED LAND!
- Are all the ladies seriously just falling asleep on the beach?
- Wait…the actors are speaking English, but their English dubs are wayyyyy off.
- THAT SPIDER WAS CRAZY LOOKING!
- Sexual feelingssssss.
- I take back that worst slap comment, the double slap by one girl was so much worse.
- Demon spider has Gary the escort in a headlock! UFC Octagon .
- Who uses a bed sheet as awning nowadays? or in 1960, rather.
- No one likes the stripper lady. I don’t blame them, that’s why she got killed off first.
- WHOA, Gary is the monster and he’s looking pretty bizarre.
- The stripper’s entrance music: smooth jazz. So sultry.
- “She’s been strangled” “By a spider.” What? Does that usually happen?
- Come on Babs, have faith in the rescue crew.
- Girl fight!
- I don’t think people fighting usually make sounds like that.
- Really? A suicide attempt? Come on, they said you have enough food for three days! And only one ship sailed away.
- Where did these two guys come from with a boat?
- I wish these actors and the script didn’t suck.
- HAHAHAHAHA one of the guys would scale a tree at the sound of woman’s voices.
- Why did they show the Gary Monster in the dark when it’s quite light out?
- These guys are horn dogs.
- “A researching researcher.” Oh yeah, I want to transfer schools to study that.
- “We’re rescued!” Yeah, in two days. Hold your horses.
- I go shirtless, wear scarfs and smoke cigarettes too. All at the same time.
- “I’m really glad your airplane crashed.” HA, good job Joe. Great pickup line.
- I take it back, maybe the ladies are horn dogs too.
- Everyone’s making out. What happens on the island, stays on the island.
- Georgia is such a mom to all these ladies. Fully clothed and pouring drinks. Modesty.
- Why is it daylight when it’s supposed to be night? Damn black & white film.
- Not on the porch, Bobby and Joe have to go into the cabin to throw down in fisticuffs.
- What? They just stopped and laughed at each other after destroying the whole cabin?!
- Uh oh, the Gar-Bear Monster got Bobby.
- Why does Gary have three long teeth? Is that common in spiders?
- It KEEPS going from daylight to night in a matter of minutes. The days must go by really fast.
- Gary is pretty lanky, and he would be afraid of fire.
- How come he is in different bushes every other scene? It doesn’t make sense.
- I mean, if they kill Gary, that doesn’t mean there aren’t any more spiders on the island.
- Does quicksand really look like beef stew?
- HOW DID IT JUST END WITHOUT CREDITS OR CLOSURE OF ANY SORT!
Ohhhhh this was painful. The dubbing of the film was terrible. The script sucked. The acting wasn’t much better. AND it just ended without any closure! I mean, we found out what happened to the monster, but we never found out if the dancers made it off of the island! At least, not on my DVD. And to go and say this film was sexploitation was like having a blaxploitation film using Hispanic people. Just because they are scantily clad, dancing and, God save their soul, making out in the movie, does not totally qualify it for sexploitation. However, it was made in 1960, and I don’t know what was scandalous then. But, I guess they would do a lot to try and sell this bad of a movie. They used color pictures on the back of the DVD case, even though the film was black & white. They had to go to some pretty far lengths. And I know I wouldn’t have bought it if it was more than the $4 I paid. So now, I’m resorting to SyFy channel’s Spring Break Shark Attack to make myself feel better.