Directed by Don Jones
Taglines: “If you go into the woods today you might not get out ALIVE!”
“Daddy’s Gone A-Hunting.”
“Two couples plan a trip into the forest. But they didn’t count on a killer on the loose with a taste for human flesh! Haunted by the ghosts of his children, the killer is eventually double-crossed as the ghosts come to aid the campers in this unique entry into the killer-in-the-woods genre.”
First off, have I really not written a review since July? I’m a sad sack 😦 school has really got a grip on me. But, it’s absolutely time to take a break from school and watch some trash! I either picked up The Forest at a pawn shop or the Book Barn in my hometown. It was so long ago that I honestly can’t remember. But it looked pretty sleazy and like a bad slasher movie. I could do half of a post regarding the description on the back, but I won’t. All I know is that it is from the director of The Love Butcher and Housewife From Hell, and has performance by someone named Corky Pigeon. Could be huge.
- So, there are a few fake names in the opening credits. Was the movie really THAT bad?
- “There’s nothing out there, it’s your imagination.” Oh, there’s never anything in forests? I forgot they were always abandon.
- Okay, stare at the killer for a few seconds before realizing he has a way larger knife than he should.
- You can also show a stab wound before the initial stabbing, that works too I guess.
- Two people dunzo in the first six minutes before cutting back to…Los Angeles?
- “We’ve been discussing divorce.” So matter-of-factly, Steve.
- “We’re talking about roughing it.” “You know, backpacking.”
- Was rapists really the go-to danger for trying to get your significant others NOT to go camping?
- Steve and Sharon are a pretty loving looking couple for talking about divorce.
- Sick Mazda truck bro. It would overheat.
- Early 80s cars are truly the ugliest.
- A mechanic with no top teeth is the most honest and trustworthy man. Excepted he plugged a radiator for $140 and it took him 4 hours.
- Don’t complain about camping if it was your idea. Stupid.
- “Oh no, it’s not gonna RAIN is it?” I don’t know, there’s thunder. There probably isn’t a huge chance…
- Wow, was that dramatic sound byte necessary for tent posts?
- Are they going to leave their truck windows down? Didn’t they hear the thunder that their girlfriends heard?
Okay, so here’s where the story is at minute 25. The couple of women (Sharon and Teddi) are already in the Forest at their “camp site.” The men (Steve and Charlie) are making there way to the site now, even though the sun is going down. I feel like I needed to explain because, chances are, you won’t watch this.
- Wow. Wow. The greatest song just came on as the men search for the camp site. “There’s nothing to fear/Is there?/People do disappear, but where do they hide?/In the dark side of the forest/Now don’t you get lost/He watched/You have to pay the cost because many have died/In the dark side of the forest.” The rest is inaudible (and I don’t want to go back). But seriously, the greatest.
- Was a bobcat sound effect needed? How about ten? Necessary?
- WHAT? Oh, are those the ghost children? I forgot this was strangely supernatural.
- “I’m bored, let’s go home.” Yeah, me too ghost girl. Me too.
- Sharon and Teddi, you were strangely calm for seeing a woman with a hole in her head looking for her children in an echoed voice.
- There you go, that’s how you panic Teddi. “Get the knife!”
- Oh hey guy, you live in a cave with a rocking chair and candle sticks? Seems cozy.
- Yes the kids just said the “Daddy’s Gone A-Hunting” tagline!
- Teddi is the first to go, that’s my bet.
- “I don’t want to hurt you, but I haven’t had anything to eat for days! I’m starving to death!”
- Teddi cut the killer’s hand and he goes, “What’d you do that for?” I don’t know, you were only trying to kill her.
- Why is it daylight all of a sudden? This is the worst.
- Yup, Teddi’s done.
- Little does Charlie know that he will be eating some part of his girlfriend in this cave.
- Oh yeah, Charlie’s got a knife alright. His Swiss Army keychain.
- That human is quite raw. I think it should be over the fire for another 6 hours or so.
- This killer’s wife was sleeping aroundddd. No wonder he lives in a cave in the woods. That’s your only option at that point.
- FLASHBACK! He’s wearing a lab coat, is he a scientist?
- “I did what any man would do…nothing.”
- RETURN TO FLASHBACK! Wow, that hole in her head was from the corner of the dresser. There you go John (the killer).
- How does John keep getting in front of his wife’s lover Carl after he temporarily stops him?
- Showdown between a pitchfork and a bicycle ends in a draw.
- Dad hugs are the best, especially after the kids witness Dad kill their mom and her lover.
- “Charlie I’ll meet you back here in an hour.” Steve, Charlie doesn’t know where the hell he is. He won’t meet you in an hour. He’ll absolutely be dead.
- “Let’s go see that hold man, I’ve got a feeling about him.” What? You want to elaborate?
- That meet would still be over the fire when they visit. I guess even John the Killer knew it was raw.
- I don’t know how Sharon just used that hill as a Slip ‘n Slide, but she did.
- A crazy twist would be if Sharon hid in a bear’s den.
- A dramatic and apologetic arm grab from Steve to Charlie. When they said “couples” on the back, did they mean gay couples? There’s a strange tension.
- Steve just fell into a stream and yelled “OW!”Oh, he has a compound fracture, nevermind.
- “Being alive is so sad.” Coming from the eight-year old boy.
- It’s okay Steve, crying and talking to yourself will help.
- How come the little girl has an accent, and the boy doesn’t?
- Daylight to sunset to nighttime in 10 seconds.
- Are the bullfrogs really sketching Charlie out? Relax man, there are bigger things to worry about.
- Anddddd DIVING STAB!
- These guys seriously need to get their times right. It wasn’t daylight a minute ago.
- Hey kids…why are your lips purple?
- I wish they would paint more rocks red.
- Oh no, the ghosts are threatening to leave John the killer!
- Does Sharon even care that she was almost killed?
- John has eyes like a hawk.
- John needs to get a new hoodie. You would think with all the people he kills, he could take their money and go out every once in a while.
- And Sharon saves the day.
- “Goodbye? where are you going?” I wish they said, “I don’t know, we’re ghosts, dumbass. We can’t just chill in the weeds all the time.”
- Ending song: “On the road to the edge of forever…”
Someone get Smokey the Bear because this movie crashed and burned!
Don’t let me do stupid puns again.
I ask myself all the time why I watch these movies. There are some terrible movies I enjoy watching, and then there are one I can’t stand. The Forest was quite boring. There were a couple good things here and there. And by good I mean so bad that they were worth it. One example being the original score, which was way too good to be true. But the whole idea of a custody battle of dead children between a living father and a dead mother was beyond me. The script was not great, and the acting didn’t help it out either. I leave you with the trailer because you need to feel at least 1 minute and 54 seconds of what I sat through.
P.S.=While looking for pictures for this review, I realized that Dread Central has the exact image of the pitchfork/bicycle fight that I wanted. And they didn’t like the movie either.