Directed by Bob Willems
Tagline: “This ‘Texas Massacre’ Is Nothing To Laugh At”
“At first it was a joke, a myth around the campfire for five friends staying at a remote cabin in the Texas woods. But when they begin to disappear one-by-one, replaced by scattered bloodied body parts and voodoo effigies, the remaining few scramble for their lives. But he’s out there. And he’s sick. And all he wants is blood…”
Summer is now here for me, and being without an incredibly tine-consuming job leads me to resurrect The Leftovers. It’s been quite a while, I know. But I got DVDs piling up and it looks like I’m going to have to start weeding my collection. Starting with this gem. I remember always seeing this sucker in the rental store and being a bit skeptical of it. Maybe it was that the acronym for S.I.C.K. is “Serial Insane Clown Killer,” and I was wondering if clowns were being killed in the film. I can remember clown horror films sort of scaring me, but I had never in my life watched one to be scared of in the first place. Also, the clown on the cover and the clown on the back don’t really look that similar, except for the obvious white makeup. Also, they used “Texas Massacre” in the tagline, and I never trusted anyone who referenced Texas Chainsaw Massacre to describe their film. Okay, crazy guy killing randos? MOST DEFINITELY LIKE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. But whatever, that’s neither here nor there. My skepticism seems about right, though, seeing that the IMDB rating on this is 2.1, and the Rotten Tomatoes audience rating is 20%. So of course I bought it, somewhere, sometime…OH, look. I bought it with this LOOT. The trailer is also there, so check it out.
- When it’s produced by the director and the lead actor…well, we’ll see. I’m judging hard in the first twenty seconds already.
- Okay, the killer’s name is Billy…right on.
- “Bring a change of underwear and all that gay porn you’ve got stashed away at your house because if I get shot down this weekend, I swear to God I’m switching teams.” Sore loser, huh?
- Okay, the boss David is a pointless character.
- When was the last time anyone ever yelled at an elevator after two seconds of it not arriving?
- Two unnecessary flashbacks in a minute and a half? Word. Sorry, three. Three flashbacks. A FORTH. WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?
- Thanks for the closeup of Brandon packing the knife from his underwear drawer.
- I think I’ve only heard my grandfather say “And away we go” when I was 5. I’m not sure if adults say that to each other.
- I wish their car got hit by a train when they crossed the tracks in that one shot. This movie would’ve ended quicker.
- Tracy, for someone who doesn’t like Brandon, you sure were protective from that prostitute Sophia.
- Flashbacks ‘r Us, Jesus.
- “I just wanna suck your toes til you call me Daddy.” Guy at bar to a girl Denise, which is the fifth and final member of this trip to a remote cabin, which looks like anything but a remote cabin. There’s a cobblestone sidewalk.
- Brandon is afraid of clown stories, so he’s going to get more beer for the crew after already showing up a minute earlier with beer.
- I wonder if Miller Lite sponsored this film.
- Brandon, the man who’s afraid of clowns, has a clown mask?
- The last thing I wanted in this was a sex scene.
- How did Mark and Susan get this fucked up in three minutes?
- Nobody gives a shit where Denise wandered off to.
- No one likes a poorly mixed disembodied voice, though!
- This may be the only horror film in the 2000s with dramatic organ chords. I haven’t heard those in years.
- Denise is a slimeball.
- “You will regret this.” “What does that mean?!?” Lolz, okay.
- This film is just all arguments and no horror.
- I’ve never been so close to just shutting off a film.
- Good thing they went back to get canteens before searching the woods for Susan.
- “Keep your eyes peeled for Susan!” YEAH, NO SHIT BRANDON.
- Stock footage of deer? Okay.
- Why does the clown sound like a dinosaur?
- Brandon just dropped the C-bomb on Denise.
- All this clown wants is to pet women with his ax. Isn’t that all that anybody wants?
- Half of the budget for this film was spent on plastic dolls.
- “It sounds like wood being chucked.” Maybe it’s just my lack of forest knowledge, but I’ve never heard someone seriously use that phrase.
- They don’t need to flashback to things we’ve already seen. We know what happened twenty minutes ago.
- The sex scene in the woods intercut with wood being chopped HAS to have a double meaning, right?!
- First character kill comes just over an hour in. GOOD GOD.
- Post-sex search for Susan in the woods. Not together, mind you, separately.
- This killer made the walls of their house in the woods out of black paper. Oh?
- I give up.
- “This is some fucked up shit right here.” Yeah.
- The sheriff doesn’t just show up a minute after he said he couldn’t on the scanner. Seems legit.
- 4 shots down, 2 left, he doesn’t know if he hit anything.
- Costumes from K-Mart!
Wow. No. I remember why I stopped watching shitty movies like this.
You can watch the entire film HERE.