Teenage Exorcist (1991)

Starring: Brinke Stevens, Eddie Deezen, Robert Quarry, Jay Richardson, Michael Berryman

Directed by Grant Austin Waldman

Format: DVD

Tagline: “Something wicked this way comes…”

“All Hell breaks loose when a young woman decides to rent a creepy old house from a creepy old realtor and the Demons really get cranking!”

The Story:

So I’m breaking the rules a bit. I JUST bought this movie from FYE, used, and it looks scratched all to hell. It looks like the demons were really cranking on it. I have a 30-day money back guarantee on it and I really don’t want to be stuck with this…uhm…gem, unless it works. As you can see, it has an all-star cast. What’s that thing in the bottom right corner of the DVD case? The DVD menu has an option for “Website.” Listen to the theme song in the trailer. I’m stoked about this horror comedy.

My Thoughts:

  • Dead girl boobs one minute and 37 seconds in.
  • If I see Michael Berryman putting a “For Sale” sign in front of a house, I’m not buying it.
  • The moving boxes say “Borden” on them. Nice touch, if it was intentional.
  • The house says it has 12 bedrooms.
  • She’s not even there 2 minutes, and she’s seeing anacondas in her bedroom. Typical.
  • Not the Ouija board. Every damn time.
  • Ghosts and demons always want humans to join them. “Join us, join us.” Come on guys, leave her be.
  • The demon spirits were messing with her milk. Of all things holy.
  • At the twenty minute mark, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of spoof yet…
  • The demon possession has turned Diane (Stevens) into Sandy from Grease. Which is probably where Eddie Deezen comes into play.
  • Nothing worse than a button fly on a pair of jeans. Though Diane seemed to get them off rather quickly.
  • The problem with this for me, so far, is that it tries to touch on too many horror movie norms, but not capitalizing on any jokes. The physical “comedy” isn’t comedic and the jokes aren’t punchy.
  • Demon groping Diane’s sister Sally in the shower. Yikes.
  • Ferrets as rats? I guess…
  • Jay Richardson as Mike is probably the best role. Comedic relief is not necessarily what it is, but it’s relatively funny.
  • So…who is the teenage exorcist? None of these people look to be teenagers. At all. Unless it hasn’t shown up yet and it’s like a super hero.
  • The priest turns the demon into a dog, and Sally goes “My sister; a total bitch.” It’s jokes like these, man. It’s not that funny. Was it funny in ’91?
  • Demons, possession, full moon, midnight, spooky house, rats (sort of), creepy basement, ominous phone calls, doors shutting by themselves, and now zombies. This touches on a lot that’s just not funny.
  • I just don’t seem to get it. No one is trying to exorcise the demon anymore. They are just all remaining in this house not doing much of anything.
  • The priest is doing card tricks for the zombies and, wouldn’t you know it, it’s not really that funny.
  • Do you usually electrocute demons?

The Verdict:

The movie is just a lot of characters standing around waiting for the next opportunity to try and make a horror related joke. Jay Richardson’s performance was amusing. Eddie Deezen was DESCENT (sort of funny). Speaking of, this:

The back of the DVD says “87 Big Minutes.” Ugh, okay. I wish it wasn’t

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s