Category Archives: Sci-Fi

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953)

the-beast-from-20000-fathoms.24135Starring: Paul Hubschmid, Paula Raymond, Cecil Kellaway

Directed by Eugene Lourie

Format: DVD

Near the Arctic Circle, an atomic bomb is detonated. This fearsome experiment disturbs the sleep of a giant rhedosaurus encased in ice over 100-million years and sends it southward on a destructive, deadly rampage!”

There is a chance I attempted to watch this flick a few times, but to no avail. This particular version is part of a Sci-Fi Double Feature DVD from Warner Brothers, with Them! on the other side. I’m pretty sure I bought this DVD for Them! after hearing Joe Dante speak about it on some documentary. The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms has some incredible Harryhausen work I have only seen clips of,  so I’m excited to watch the film in its entirety. I’m particularly excited that it’s also only 80 minutes long. The perfect duration.

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Thoughts:

  • “Operation Experiment” is a terrible name for an operation. Or an experiment.
  • Ugh, the nuclear stuff is actually giving me a decent amount of anxiety.
  • AND it’s in the Arctic, mind you. Only adding to global warming. Not to mention a freaking monster is gonna be unearthed.
  • Oh wow, they did a full monster shot right away!beast
  • First stunt was hysterical. Looked like he took a sick wrestling bump. ECW! ECW! ECW!
  • Just realized that “prehistoric” literally means before written history and it kinda blew my mind. Looks like I also should go back to school and pay more attention. My wife was not as impressed.
  • I feel like if someone say a dinosaur, I actually wouldn’t think it was a hallucination. Like, there are definitely creatures in the Arctic that we don’t know about.
  • My nearly-psychologist wife is sitting next to me, and she’s really questioning this psychiatric exam.
  • I’m so bad with character names, I’m sorry, but the dude who just walked into the museum at 23 minutes has an odd accent.
  • I love that the first thing they say about the introduction of Lee Hunter is that she’s “very pretty” and that she’s “Dr. Elson’s assistant.”
  • “I made coffee strong enough to enter the Olympics.”
  • I love that Prof. Nesbitt is identifying the monster but shows no real signs of the PTSD I know I would if I saw a GODDAMN DINOSAUR.
  • People in the 50s YELLED on the phone.
  • The museum director is about to take a vacation after 30 years and BOY he doesn’t know what he’s in for, huh?
  • How much is a fathom? I can’t quite fathom it…
  • I do like that this movie is showcasing that it takes time for this monster to arrive on the coast. I feel like a lot of movies during this time, the monster just appears.
  • Man, I want to play the accordion.
  • Wow. I knew Harryhausen was an artist but holy shit, that first monster attack is gorgeous.
  • You can’t see this, but the subtitles are awful on this DVD. They are missing full sentences.
  • Our characters are at a ballet. You ever been to a ballet? I haven’t.
  • I also know nothing about the geography of Canada.
  • Oh damn, this museum director is the guy trying to save the creature. I wonder who the character would be trying to save the beast in the 2010s?
  • There is an octopus vs. shark sequence in this film that is unnerving. AND THEN THE BEAST.
  • I was worried the museum director was going to be a caricature of a greedy, money hungry businessman. Instead, he just never got to take his vacation.
  • This one cop going after the beast with a pistol is a real hero. 7-beast-20000-720x480
  • I’ve seen my fair share of monster films, but only a Harryhausen film could include a monster, show it multiple times in-full and in-motion and it wouldn’t feel cheap or “fake.” The monster’s movements are beautiful.
  • How do these guys not know where the monster went after it was on Wall Street? Is it a metaphor?
  • They really lucked into this powerline/bazooka combo to attack the creature.
  • How many war rooms exist in the U.S.?
  • The beast’s biology is a total game changer, damn.
  • Radioactive isotope, huh?

The Verdict:

Fun and short, great creature with an abrupt ending. The special features on the disc are pretty good, I’m listening to them while I write my verdict. Actually, listening to Harryhausen talk is kind of influencing my verdict, so I’ll have to put them on hold. I loved that the there were a couple factors that made the beast dangerous, not just that it was a terrifying monster. There seemed to be logic to this creature feature, not just chaos and destruction.

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American Cyborg, Steel Warrior (1993)

American Cyborg CoverStarring: Joe Lara, Nicole Hansen, John Saint Ryan

Directed by Boaz Davidson

Format: VHS

“After a devestating nuclear war, the last fertile woman on earth joins forces with a tough renegad to fight an advanced team of deadly cyborgs and save the human race from extinction in this action-packed futuristic thriller.

Joe Lara, best known as the latest in a long and impressive line of screen Tarzans, stars as Austin, a strong, yet compassionate street warrior who agrees to a to help a beautiful young woman, Mary (played by beautiful newcomer Nicole Hansen), escape a ravaged, war-torn America. Austin and Mary encounter danger at every turn as they find themselves on a death-defying race against not only time but a murderous cyborg (John Ryan) programmed to destroy Mary – the world’s last hope for humanity – before they can reach the boat that will take them to a safer Europe.”

I found American Cyborg, Steel Warrior at a “Buy, Sell, Trade, eBay” store in Salem, CT. I had just started collecting VHS and this seemed like one of those movies that wouldn’t be released on DVD, so I bought it. Now, I’m not a big sci-fi action fan, but the name was super intriguing. Like…what the hell is it? I think I’ve owned this movie for at least five years and hadn’t watched it until now.

This movie also marks the first Leftovers live-tweet on our new Twitter page: @LeftoverShelf. From now on, I will be livetweeting the “My Thoughts” portion of The Leftovers, and then recapping them here. By doing this, one of the stars of American Cyborg, Steel Warrior Nicole Hansen (Mary) was able to chime in and share some thoughts with us. In the tweets, the film is referred to as #ACSW.

You can check out all the tweets on Storify, or just read the text below.

Thoughts:

  • I almost watched once, but my old DVD/VCR combo almost ate it. It also tried to eat EXTREMELY GOOFY MOVIE. Nearly had a heart attack.
  • Looking at Boaz Davidson’s credits and you may not know him as a director, but he’s a producer on The Expendables movies. There’s that.
  • Joe Lara you’d know as Tarzan in TARZAN: THE EPIC ADVENTURES TV series and it’s various TV movies.
  • Nicole Hansen () has been in a few things, but she’s the only one from I can find on Twitter. So there’s that, too!
  • First trailer before the movie is HELLBOUND starring Chuck Norris.
  • Oh yo, then it was Tobe Hooper’s NIGHT TERRORS. That’s kinda dope actually. Might need to get that.
  • supposedly takes place in a post-apocalyptic South Carolina.
  • Huh? ACSW
  • I don’t know, it’s kinda like I, ROBOT.
  • This environment is obviously supposed to look like some sort of BLADE RUNNER type setting. It actually kind of reads that way.
  • There was some sort of exposition in the beginning, but even that made this a little more confusing.
  • There’s a mission to deliver a human fetus to an artificial womb on some boat somewhere. South Carolina is a hot mess.
  • I don’t know why this cyborg is tryna get that fetus, but his ways of finding out are pretty logical. Kill someone, take a map.
  • I say “Cyborg” assuming that it’s the unstoppable powerhouse (John Ryan), and the Steel Warrior is someone else.
  • The funny thing is, if the character Mary was naturally pregnant, she wouldn’t be able to climb all these heights and shit.
  • But since she has a baby in a bag, it’s totally cool.
  • She also is hauling a yoga mat. Which is cool I guess?
  • “I wouldn’t be surprised if you were hiding something really yummy in there.” Uh, don’t say that?
  • The gang leader that Steel Warrior just beat up was kinda like Beef from PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE
  • What makes him a Steel Warrior?
  • These sets are kind of impressive.
  • The Cyborg has a grimy blonde mustache.
  • That Cyborg killed those sewer rats for no reason.
  • Also, there are supposedly mines planted in the sewers, but everyone is just recklessly running.
  • In the post-apocalyptic future, there are fire-breathers on all street corners.
  • From Nicole Hansen: Here’s the 1st writer of the screenplay (Brent Friedman)- His version got lost in translation going onto the bigscreen
  • I have to admit, the setup for would be kind of cool. But right now it’s just a lot of cat and mouse (mice).
  • At least pretty cool for ’93.
  • Quick insert of the fetus in that travel bottle shaking as Mary runs. Shaken baby syndrome?
  • Radioactive cannibals are supposedly a thing in this movie. I’m totally on board.
  • Wait, maybe the American Cyborg and the Steel Warrior aren’t two different people. I think it’s just one. And it’s the Cyborg
  • The steel warrior who I was referring to is named Austin, played by Joe Lara.
  • “The rest of us are just the broken leftovers.” HE GAVE US A SHOUTOUT!
  • Brent Friedman did Hellbound, too. We were all shooting in Israel at same time. I went to Masada with Tobe Hooper on a day off.
  • Had no idea this was shot in Israel. The sets look really cool, actually!
  • We shot in a bombed out detergent factory from the first Gulf War… So most shots weren’t actually sets
  • Whoa, Mary just got captured by what I assume are…yup, the radioactive cannibals.
  • LOL, story of my life.
  • The radioactive cannibals look a lot like mummified members of Pussy Riot.
  • Someone told me once that they had an screening and drank shots every time I screamed.
  • New drinking game!
  • The worst kind of radioactive cannibal is one that eats babies.
  • This is the baby we’re talking about, by the way. ACSW baby
  • That cyborg loves punching through walls.
  • Austin just got wet willied by the Cyborg. And by wet willy, I mean sharp metal finger to the ear.
  • Ohhhhh, Austin is a cyborg too? There are wires coming out of his now severed arm. That escalated quickly…
  • Austin didn’t know he was a cyborg? This movie is just a web of lies.
  • God, I hope no one wanted to know the twist in because I definitely spoiled part of it.
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that cyborg just won’t quit.
  • This cyborg must’ve been a pro ultimate frisbee player
  • The fetus in a bottle has fallen into the ocean. That’ll be a weird discovery 100 years from now.
  • “Baby in a botttttlleeee” sung like Sting
  • Yeah the baby’s “okay,” but who knows the toll the physical trauma took on it, you know?
  • That’s all for ! Thanks to @nikkihans for chatting with us. Very cool to have you join us in our first live-tweet on The Leftovers!
  • BTW- you didn’t mention my awesome RPG shooting technique – the crew bet I would fall over from the kickback, but no.

Splinter (2008)

Starring: Shea Whigham, Paulo Costanzo, Jill Wagner and Rachel Kerbs

Directed by Toby Wilkins

Format: DVD

Tagline: “It will get under your skin.”

“A young couple retreats to the wilderness for a romantic camping weekend, but the trip quickly spirals into a nightmare when they are carjacked by an escaped convict and his girlfriend.  Thrown together by chance, no one can imagine the terrifying horror that awaits the two couples at a remote and isolated gas station.”

My Story:

I first heard about Splinter in a Fangoria article, I believe.  But of course, most movies that I would REALLY like to see get a limited release.  So, my hopes of seeing Splinter in theaters were long gone.  I found it on DVD though, and if I remember correctly, it was featured on the Loot.  Let’s dig in.  Or dig out.  Get it?  Splinter jokes.

My Thoughts:

  • Middle-of-nowhere gas stations are never any good.
  • Awww yeah Cape Cod Chips.
  • Whoa, that animal looked nuts.
  • In all honesty, I do like how “Creature Design By” is in the opening credits. That’s solid.
  • The contrast between the two couples was really interesting.
  • A camping date on an anniversary. That’s nice I suppose.
  • I would hate when someone called me “Cowgirl” too.
  • This is nerve-racking.
  • Sid would not be able to drive stick.
  • That must be the most terrifying and awkward car ride..
  • He got a splinter! I hope they say it in the movie. I love when they say the title.
  • Oh my god why is that road kill moveeeeee.
  • Lacey is such a crackhead.
  • WHATTTT?!?!?!  The gas station attendant is done for…
  • I wish I could tell how these creatures actually moved.  That first attack the camera was all shaky and I didn’t really understand the movements.
  • Why are his splinters growing?!
  • It’s that hand from the Addams Family!
  • If she breaks the glass I’m gonna flip.
  • I hate emotionless rambles.
  • You know, at least there’s a biology student as a hostage.
  • This is intense.
  • If someone came into this movie right now without any knowledge of it, they would probably think it was the most ridiculous movie about killer hands.
  • I’m not about amputation.  I’m not about that.
  • “You can’t change a tire, but fuck if you can’t chop off an arm.”
  • Heart-to-hearts in the freezer are solid.
  • What did they do with the severed arm?
  • It’s like they’re looking for an insect or a mouse right now, they’re banging all the stuff on the shelves and under the counter.
  • This is so sad 😦 I hate sacrifice.
  • I literally just yelled, “come on” to the TV. And by that I don’t mean a “come on this is stupid.” I meant a “COME ON GET IN THE CAR THE CREATURE’S COMING!”
  • I’m glad there was at least one good shot of the creature.

The Verdict:

I don’t only watch movies that are really crappy, okay? I enjoy a good movie every once in a while.  And this was a good movie. I’d even say an awesome movie.  A simple production with few actors and a great story.  The thing that I didn’t like was that you could never fully see the creature.  It reminded me of Cloverfield in a way because you never saw it in full.  And as scary as shaky camera is, I would think that still camera with the jerky movements of the action would be scarier. But these things didn’t take too much away from this suspenseful horror movie. I enjoy simple movies like this. It was intense too; it was a solid film. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a new and good horror film.

Horrors of Spider Island (1960)

aka It’s Hot In Paradise.

Starring Alex D’Arcy, Barbara Valentine, Allen Turner, Temple Foster, Donna Vlsike, Norma Townes

Directed by Jaime Nolan (Fritz Bottger)

Format: DVD

Tagline: “Transformed into the world’s most hideous monster with a diabolical lust to KILL!”

“A team of chorus girls find themselves caught in a deadly web when they are shipwrecked on a remote South Seas island.  The lush, tropical isle seems an ideal place to await their rescue, but hidden in the jungle are giant poisonous spiders.  A venomous bite transforms the girls’ escort into a disfigured beats, half-man and half-insect.  Consumed with lust and craving blood, the monster hunts down the defenseless girls and slaughters them one by one.  The ensuing panic drives the dancers to squabble and fight among themselves until they realize that their only hope for survival is to work together in a final stand against the monster.”

My Story:

This was a movie featured in an earlier post of The Loot, and man am I excited.  I know it’s been a while since I posted a review, but I just needed a little bit of a break I suppose.  That and I’ve been kind of busy.  Which reminds me that there most likely won’t be any posts next week because I am going to be away, but I may just have a whole bunch of posts by the time I return.

Back to the movie.  This sounds like it’s going to be absolutely awful and I’m very excited about that.  I didn’t even write the rest of what is on the back of the DVD.

“Originally released in West Germany with the title Ein Toter hing im Netz, this campy sexploitation film uses every trick in the book to sneak a peek at its heroines’ nubile bodies.”

Nubile bodies? Every trick in the book? WEST GERMANY?! My god, this is going to be so so so so so bad.  I looked at the IMDB rating, it ain’t pretty.  In the first description of the movie, they didn’t even know if the group of girls were dancers or a choir! Oh man, I have a feeling I’m going to tear this thing up.
My Thoughts:

  • A character named Babs, she’s going to be nude a lot more than anyone else with a name like that.
  • I should’ve known this would be English dubbed.
  • “When they take their turbans off, they’re just like any other man.” Until then though, they are totally not men.
  • Alright, I guess they’re dancers then; this lady named Carolyn is dancing.
  • The boss deciding the dancers is a nut.
  • Did they really use footage of a plane on fire crashing into the ocean?! How do they manage to survive that?
  • All the women are crying in the inflatable raft.  Such a sad sad situation.
  • That was the worst fake slap I had ever seen.
  • THEY SPOTTED LAND!
  • Are all the ladies seriously just falling asleep on the beach?
  • Wait…the actors are speaking English, but their English dubs are wayyyyy off.
  • THAT SPIDER WAS CRAZY LOOKING!
  • Sexual feelingssssss.
  • I take back that worst slap comment, the double slap by one girl was so much worse.
  • Demon spider has Gary the escort in a headlock! UFC Octagon .
  • Who uses a bed sheet as awning nowadays? or in 1960, rather.
  • No one likes the stripper lady. I don’t blame them, that’s why she got killed off first.
  • WHOA, Gary is the monster and he’s looking pretty bizarre.
  • The stripper’s entrance music: smooth jazz. So sultry.
  • “She’s been strangled” “By a spider.” What? Does that usually happen?
  • Come on Babs, have faith in the rescue crew.
  • Girl fight!
  • I don’t think people fighting usually make sounds like that.
  • Really? A suicide attempt? Come on, they said you have enough food for three days! And only one ship sailed away.
  • Where did these two guys come from with a boat?
  • I wish these actors and the script didn’t suck.
  • HAHAHAHAHA one of the guys would scale a tree at the sound of woman’s voices.
  • Why did they show the Gary Monster in the dark when it’s quite light out?
  • These guys are horn dogs.
  • “A researching researcher.” Oh yeah, I want to transfer schools to study that.
  • “We’re rescued!” Yeah, in two days. Hold your horses.
  • I go shirtless, wear scarfs and smoke cigarettes too. All at the same time.
  • “I’m really glad your airplane crashed.” HA, good job Joe. Great pickup line.
  • I take it back, maybe the ladies are horn dogs too.
  • Everyone’s making out. What happens on the island, stays on the island.
  • Georgia is such a mom to all these ladies. Fully clothed and pouring drinks. Modesty.
  • Why is it daylight when it’s supposed to be night? Damn black & white film.
  • Not on the porch, Bobby and Joe have to go into the cabin to throw down in fisticuffs.
  • What? They just stopped and laughed at each other after destroying the whole cabin?!
  • Uh oh, the Gar-Bear Monster got Bobby.
  • Why does Gary have three long teeth? Is that common in spiders?
  • It KEEPS going from daylight to night in a matter of minutes. The days must go by really fast.
  • Gary is pretty lanky, and he would be afraid of fire.
  • How come he is in different bushes every other scene? It doesn’t make sense.
  • I mean, if they kill Gary, that doesn’t mean there aren’t any more spiders on the island.
  • Does quicksand really look like beef stew?
  • HOW DID IT JUST END WITHOUT CREDITS OR CLOSURE OF ANY SORT!

The Verdict:

Ohhhhh this was painful.  The dubbing of the film was terrible.  The script sucked. The acting wasn’t much better. AND it just ended without any closure! I mean, we found out what happened to the monster, but we never found out if the dancers made it off of the island!  At least, not on my DVD. And to go and say this film was sexploitation was like having a blaxploitation film using Hispanic people. Just because they are scantily clad, dancing and, God save their soul, making out in the movie, does not totally qualify it for sexploitation.  However, it was made in 1960, and I don’t know what was scandalous then.  But, I guess they would do a lot to try and sell this bad of a movie.  They used color pictures on the back of the DVD case, even though the film was black & white.  They had to go to some pretty far lengths.  And I know I wouldn’t have bought it if it was more than the $4 I paid. So now, I’m resorting to SyFy channel’s Spring Break Shark Attack to make myself feel better.

Part 3 of 4: Memory (2006)

FILM 3Memory

Starring: Billy Zane, Tricia Helfer, Ann-Margret and Dennis Hopper

Directed by Bennett Joshua Davlin

Format: DVD 4 Films Collector’s Set Horror

“When Dr. Taylor Briggs (Billy Zane) is exposed to a mysterious drug while lecturing in Brazil, he is forced to relive the dark, twisted memories of a killer whose work may not be over.”

My Story:

Two down, two to go in the Collector’s Set.  Memory is the next movie for a couple of reasons.  I like Dennis Hopper and Ann-Margaret and I would like to see how they act together.  I also want to save Bloody Mary for last, because I’m sure that’ll be really fun to watch.  I hope this doesn’t turn out to be like Salvage and it’s all dreams and hallucinations.

My Thoughts:

  • Thanks for the definition of “memory.”
  • “Trying to cure a disease takes time.” Oh thanks Terry Chen.
  • Billy Zane cut a glove! That’s never a good sign.
  • What did I say about hallucinations?! Zane goes from his bathroom to a lake in a matter of seconds…
  • Zane got the powder in his skin!  Well, I guess there isn’t too much of a mystery there.
  • Yeah Boston!
  • This collection is absolutely 0 for 3 on music so far.  That sounded like it was going to be the soundtrack to a romantic movie when the man realizes he loves the girl (or vice versa).
  • I would’ve preferred if Hopper yelled “Pabst Blue Ribbon!” instead of “It’s Miller Time.”
  • Time travel, dreams, hallucinations…all sounds familiar.
  • I walk around with contaminated substances too, no big deal.
  • Tricia Helfer is sassy.
  • Treasure Chest?!
  • Memoriesssssssss
  • That was some sad music.  Unnecessarily sad.
  • POWER OUTAGE out of NOWHERE! Or was it just a hallucination?
  • Dennis Hopper’s frustration of too many remotes.  I hate this montage of time passing.
  • Tricia Helfer, could you say “I hope you’re hungry” any more seductively?
  • See, if everyone who had a crazy thought just told the truth in the first place, there wouldn’t be awkward situations like the ones in this movie.
  • “If this stuff happened over 30 years ago, isn’t it too late to help them now?” Uh, NO. Have you ever seen “Cold Case Files?” A DUH.
  • Lighting fires since 1971.
  • Transferring memories to offspring?! That’s kinda crazy.
  • I don’t understand why Zane broke into a house…or why the family photo is so poorly Photoshopped.
  • …wait…I think I may be starting to get this.
  • Ann-Margret…PLEASE break in to “Bye Bye Birdie.” You can single-handedly save this movie.
  • Red shoes ALWAYS give it away.
  • Whoa, whoa.  There are a ton of dolls hanging from the ceiling. That was super creepy.
  • Ann-Margret on the attack!
  • Whenever Zane does something heroic, the camera shot is head on and he makes a superhero face.
  • Oh jeez, that family reunion almost brought a tear to my eye 😦
  • Not even a twist ending, or a sequel ending.  But like, a trick ending. An “oh hey, look at that!” ending.

The Verdict:

There isn’t too much to say about this movie.  It wasn’t great. I felt as if it dragged quite a bit here and there, and it just barely broke even by the end.  It wasn’t bad either though.  The story was actually clever.  And I also commend Bennett Davlin for directing the film that’s based off of his own novel.  That’s pretty rad.  The whole idea of transferring memories genetically is really interesting.  Mix that with a murder mystery, and it’s pretty intelligent.  But the down side to having a story so intelligent is that the viewer can easily get lost in any conclusions/connections the characters come to.  Or maybe, the whole story wasn’t evenly spread throughout the movie.  I was lost at some parts, then some things moved too fast.  The pacing was a bit off.  I really enjoyed the conclusion however, and the mystery’s answer, for lack of a better term.  I was unfortunately bored more than entertained.  The best film in this Collector’s Set no doubt.

Chopping Mall (1986)

Starring: Kelli Maroney, Tony O’Dell, John Terlesky and Russell Todd

Directed by Jim Wynorski

Format: Fullscreen DVD

Taglines: “Where shopping can cost you an arm and a leg.”

“At Park Plaza Mall the new security force isn’t just tight, it’s terrifying!”

“Some people will kill for a bargain…and at Park Plaza Mall they do!  Here, you can shop till you drop…dead!

High tech robots equipped with state-of-the-art security devices have been recruited as the new mechanical ‘night watchman’ for the Park Plaza Mall.  When a jolting bolt of lightning short circuits the main computer control, the robots turn into ‘killbots’…on the loose after unsuspecting shoppers!  Four couples are trying to make it after-hours in a mattress store.  They make it all right…in the morgue!

At Park Plaza, you can save everything but your life!  PAUL BARTEL and MARY WORONOV of the hit thriller EATING RAOUL are reunited, plus RUSSELL TODD, BARBARA CRAMPTON and TONY O’DELL. CHOPPING MALL…where they slash their prices and their customers!”

My Story:

I have a habit of going to the video store and buying like, five movies at a time.  Chopping Mall was purchased in one of these groups that makes me wish I remembered what other movies I had bought it with.  I wanted to see this movie because I thoroughly enjoy 80s horror.  I love everything campy and B-rate.  I figured I probably couldn’t go wrong with a movie called Chopping Mall.  Seriously, Chopping. Mall. What a clever but god-awful play on words.

I was going to save this movie to watch with my friends.  But this time never came because I don’t think any of them wanted to deal with my possible geekout over a movie we were more than sure wasn’t going to be any good.  I mean, ever since we watched Tourist Trap they haven’t been mentally prepared for another 80s B-movie.

My Thoughts:

  • I had always thought a robot harpooning a burglar was the best way to stop theft.
  • Okay, so the robot is shooting tranquilizers and lasers.  I’m not sure if that’s the best safety solution.
  • “Absolutely nothing can go wrong.” Especially in a film called Chopping Mall, you know?
  • Oh man, that kid’s ice cream melted all over him in the elevator! The WORST!
  • I’ve never been to a mall where there were bikini models advertising anything, let alone the mall you were already in.
  • “You’re becoming a real candidate for prickhood.” Ouch.
  • Tony O’Dell absolutely just ripped off his clip-on tie.  Tough break.
  • If I have to hear John Terlesky chew gum one more time, I’m gonna have to call those robots on him.
  • Robot security in the mid-80s was such a poor investment.
  • Is it bad to have so many comments twenty minutes into the movie?
  • Oh I’m SO glad that Kelli Maroney and Tony O’Dell are watching Them! instead of banging in a furniture store like everyone else.
  • Well, at least the robot was polite to the janitor.
  • I feel like there should be janitorial robots to accompany the security ones.  But of course, those security robots aren’t doing too much good…
  • I forgot they were called Protectors. I feel like if Number 5 from Short Circuit and R2D2 had an incredibly troubled child, a mall Protector would be it.
  • The office phone is dead, however the pay phone rang not even five minutes ago?
  • “They’re trying to french fry us.” No, no I don’t think that’s what they are trying to do.
  • I’m sorry, did Russell Todd just say “Rambogram?” I feel like I should turn on the subtitles to make sure I’m hearing all the stupid lingo correctly.
  • Brodie from Mallrats should show up out of the blue.
  • Protector 1 did NOT just come back to life. No.
  • I sure hope Black Friday wasn’t the next day.
  • I don’t understand how the men still feel that guns will stop the Protectors.  It didn’t work the first time.
  • Was this filmed in the Monroeville Mall? Where’s the Krishna zombie?
  • Throwing your pistol at the robot is not what pistol whipping means.
  • Seriously, you’re going to break into the pet store to hide? That just doesn’t seem productive at all.
  • YES YES I’M SO GLAD THERE WAS A WITTY LINE BEFORE THE ENDING!

The Verdict:

I guess I didn’t know too much about the film going into it.  I didn’t expect a Science Fiction movie about some killer robots; I actually was expecting a campy slasher movie.  I probably should’ve done a bit more research. I’m not huge into robot movies to be honest, they never really appeased me.  The title does throw you off a bit, because there is very little chopping involved.  But this movie was a fun one to watch, and I can’t say I’m unhappy I bought it. It took early sci-fi elements and combined it with the campiness of 80s horror and made quite the hybrid. At least now I know for sure what the movie is about and won’t misinform anyone who asks me about Chopping Mall.  But I have a feeling I wouldn’t ever be asked that question.