Tag Archives: 80s

Fresh Eyes: The Lost Boys (1987)

FRESH EYES is a series where Kyle watches highly acclaimed horror films for the first time.

Lost-Boys-posterStarring: Jason Patric, Corey Haim, Kiefer Sutherland, Corey Feldman, Dianne West

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Format: DVD

Tagline: “Sleep All Day. Party All Night. Never Grow Old. Never Die. It’s Fun To Be A Vampire.”

“Sam and his older brother Michael are average, everyday teens. But after they move with their mother to peaceful Santa Clara, California, things mysteriously begin to change. Michael’s not himself lately. And Mom’s not going to like what he’s turning into.

The Lost Boys reshapes vampire tradition, deftly mixing heart-pounding terror, rib-tickling laughs, and a body-gyrating rock soundtrack.”

If my memory serves me right, I think my aunt got me this flick as a gift one year. We may have been at a horror convention when the topic came up that I had never seen The Lost Boys. It has sat on the shelf for at least six years. For years, I had some sort of negative relationship to the idea of watching The Lost Boys. Not quite sure where it came from; it might have been my aversion to vampire films, it might have been my aversion to Corey Feldman, it might have been me being told “oh dude, you GOTTA see Lost Boys!” If there is something I hate(d), it’s being told that I HAVE to see something. I have since grown some from that and those negative feelings towards the film have seemingly faded, I’m ready to go in with FRESH EYES.

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Thoughts:

  • Is the name of this amusement park Mullet Mountain?Kiefer
  • Oh man, I forgot that vampires fly.
  • Honestly, I think the last vampire movie I watched was Near Dark like, two years ago.
  • “If you read the TV Guide, you don’t need a TV.” Speak on it, Grandpa.
  • Oh shit, I’ve heard so much about the “I Still Believe” saxophonist. It’s happening right in front of my face and it’s glorious.
  • Dude, the Santa Carla pier is LIT.
  • Lost Boys? Found ’em.
  • David is the dude. His facial hair is on point.
  • I love that this woman is laughing maniacally while reading a “Sad Sack” comic.
  • Alright, Feldman as Edgar Frog is kinda dope.
  • Did kids in the 80s think that this was what California beach life was all about?
  • Michael did NOT learn anything from the DARE program. The peer pressure is TOO REAL.
  • Michael, man, you’ve been a real jerk ever since you hung out with those bikers.
  • I’m all for Edward Hermann’s look. Max LostBoys
  • Damn, this “Cry Little Sister” song is dope.
  • “Kill your brother, you’ll feel better.”
  • Alright, why was Alex Winter the first?
  • Grandpa is the best.
  • I want to live in the Santa Carla Video Store.
  • The Frog Brothers going to church made me laugh out loud.
  • They are straight Home Alone-ing this house, how rad.
  • Oh damn, “Death By Stereo” was dope.
  • I thought Max would be more upset about his familial dilemma. But whatever.
  • How BAD did kids want to be the Frog Brothers in ’87?frogbros
  • This cover of “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me” during the credits is FIRE.

 

The Verdict:

I once wrote a piece about how being a horror fan of my generation (born in ’91) can be difficult because the prior generation was around during the second “Golden Age” of horror, so they remember and lived through the films that modern horror fans celebrate. The Lost Boys fell into the category where I found it difficult to relate, or want to relate, to the film. It’s an 80s-kid adventure film with vampires and this dreamlike sense of things that I thought I couldn’t relate to. My serious interest in horror came post-9/11. And while I’ve come to enjoy many a horror film from past generations, I didn’t think The Lost Boys was gonna do it for me. But what a well-made, clever and genuinely fun flick. I was afraid the 80s cheese was going to be over the top, but there was a masterful balance between comedy, action and horror. That balance, along with the smart vampire nuances and misdirection, made for a really tight film. For me, there weren’t any eye-rolling moments or scoffs; The Lost Boys felt really fresh and pure. On par with films like Fright Night and Near Dark. Maybe my aversion to vampire flicks is waning. Or maybe I’m just picking some good ones and leaving plenty of space between. As you can see, I didn’t have many “thoughts” while watching because I was so intrigued by the film. But this verdict, man, I get it now. I get why people love this film so much. I can only imagine what it would’ve been like watching it as a kid in ’87, it would’ve blown my mind! It could’ve easily have been my favorite movie at that time. Thanks, Auntie, for getting me this movie. Sorry it took me so long to watch it.

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Edge Of Sanity (1989)

MV5BMTA3MDAwNjYzMTNeQTJeQWpwZ15BbWU2MDg0NTU5OA@@._V1_Starring: Anthony Perkins, Glynis Barber, Sarah Maur-Thorp

Directed by Gérard Kikoïne

Format: DVD

Tagline: “Double The Terror. Double The Fun.”

“Anthony Perkins, famous for his compelling performances in Psycho and Crimes Of Passion, creates a new face for the tormented Henry Jekyll, the respected physician whose dangerous experiments with cocaine unleash his alter ego, the uncontrollable Jack Hyde.

Under the drug’s powerful influence, Hyde has perverted nightmares of sex and violence that consume his soul. Drawn to London’s prostitute district, Hyde’s rage explodes in a killing spree. Could the Real Jack the Ripper have been someone like fictional Mr. Hyde? Explore the terrifying possibilities that lie on the EDGE OF SANITY.

Somehow I owned two copies of this movie at once. One copy on VHS (which ultimately has better cover art that Scream Factory used for their release), and one copy on DVD that was part of a four-movie pack I bought specifically for 1946’s The Spiral Staircase. I ditched the VHS and kept the DVD. The Jekyll/Hyde story has never been of much interest to me, except for when I heard that David Hasselhoff was in a musical theater version. But even that was just a flash of excitement. I do love me some Anthony Perkins, though, so let’s fire it up.

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Thoughts:

  • Sex in a barn at the turn of the century must have been as popular as sex in a car is now. Like, popular enough but not the ideal place, right?
  • Whoa, crazy little dream sequence kicking things off.
  • Oh I definitely thought this was going to be a modern retelling of the story. Damn.
  • OKAY BUT THEY’RE STILL GONNA BE GRAPHIC ABOUT SOME SHIT.
  • Cue Buckcherry’s “Lit Up” through the whole rest of this movie.
  • “Darling come and see this [I’m feeding cocaine to the monkey we have in the house]!”
  • Cocaine Monkey is my band name.
  • Uh oh, monkey spilled some sort of chemical on the cocaine and I think he’s now basically making crack? Is this all a reflection of the crack epidemic in the United States?
  • Crazy how monkey-produced crack will make you look like you’ve already been on a week-long bender.
  • Johnny is supposed to bring in customers for Flora’s brothel and he chooses meth face Mr. Hyde? Not the clientele you want if you were to judge a book by its cover.
  • Also, straight-up, not even 20 minutes in and we are just FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS. vlcsnap_2015_08_26_23h39m05s108
  • Visually, this feels very Western European. Ken Russell and Peter Greenaway combined.
  • Anthony Perkins massaging a woman’s butt and exclaiming “look at that!” is freakin’ bizarre.
  • I love how, even on crack, Jekyll/Hyde can cleanly slice a woman up.
  • Ah, looks like Kikoïne was quite the porn director at one point. No wonder this feels so free and unreserved.
  • And this was his second to last film, and it looks like he straight up fell off the face of the Earth except for some festival appearances and a book last year. I’m so intrigued by what this director is all about.
  • Perkins is so underrated.
  • Homegirl, he paid in advance, just get outta there! Don’t go chasing crackheads.
  • Okay, I’m uncomfortable.
  • Okay, I’m uncomfortable.
  • Okayyyyy, I’m uncomfortableeeeeee.
  • Hyde looking for love in all the wrong places.
  • Crack is whack.tumblr_oo3o62CQcj1uls1d1o2_1280
  • How come no one at Madam Flora’s is skeptical of Hyde? Oh, because brothels are terrible places and their clientele are often terrible people.
  • WHOA allusion to daddy issues. Allusion? Nah, more like weirdly blatant disclosure.
  • Anthony Perkins facilitating this rapey, crack-fueled threesome in a brothel is insane.
  • Jekyll, now you’re letting the drugs affect your work and your marriage. Someone needs a sponsor.
  • Nothing I hate more than constant lightning. Storms don’t work like that.
  • WOW, this climactic descent into total madness is beautiful and bizarre.
  • Now we know what repressed sexual shame, trauma and drug abuse can do to a person.
  • Poor Mrs. Jekyll, though. Drug and sex addicted multiple personality husband.
  • I really thought Cocaine Monkey was gonna save the day.

The Verdict:

What an unpleasant and unrelenting film. A retelling of Jekyll/Hyde and accounts of Jack the Ripper have room to be expound upon and told in a brutal fashion. But this was just bizarre. The performances were fantastic; Anthony Perkins is probably at his creepiest and Sarah Maur-Thorp was brilliant. It was visually very interesting and even beautiful at points, but the tone of the thing was just icky, honestly. It will forever in my collection, though, because the flipside of the DVD I own is The Spiral Staircase.

Bloody Birthday (1981)

am_93t28317qsnvg9135_1300x1733Starring: Lori Lethin, Julie Brown, Joe Penny

Directed by Ed Hunt

Format: DVD

Tagline: “This is one birthday invitation you can’t refuse!”

Under the spell of a total solar eclipse, three women living in the same small town give birth simultaneously. The three children are angel faced, the best of friends and oh so innocent – but these little kids are the most lethal killers ever!

Just before a giant party to celebrate their mutual tenth birthdays, a series of gruesome murders begins. Like precision killing machines, the mini murderers can’t be stopped. Blood and death fuel their existence.”

You know, this blog started seven years ago. It was a place for me to go through my movie collection, whether to purge or to praise, and have fun while watching these movies. In the past three years, I got married, I moved to California, I subscribed to Netflix and Hulu, and the way I watched movies completely changed. But the collector in me never really stopped collecting. The modes changed, my budget certainly changed, but I never stopped plucking gems at the local thrift store or rental place. I’m at a point in my life now where the way I watch movies is changing yet again, and I want to dive in to my old physical media collection and discover/rediscover these flicks I picked up long ago.

Bloody Birthday was a recent acquisition during a trip to Las Vegas where we were conducting interviews for Survival of the Film Freaks. I didn’t realize that I was familiar with the alternate birthday cake artwork until after I purchased the above DVD, did some more research, and discovered they were the same movie. Aside from being familiar with the cover, I knew nothing about the film, but I assumed it was just another slasher.

Thoughts:

  • Eclipse births. Gotta be something wrong there.
  • Look, maybe it’s a generational thing, but cemetery hookups were never in my or my peers vocabulary.
  • Punk ass kids asking for no homework on their birthday, c’mon. bloodybirthday2
  • Debbie (Elizabeth Hoy) has got such a look, actually super creepy because she looks like a little cherub.
  • But then you find out she’s pimping out her sister Beverly’s habitual (un)dressing routine and you’re like…you’re 10 years old.
  • Astrology is gonna be a huge factor in this one, huh?
  • Little blonde Steven, however, already looks like a bully and is definitely gonna mess some people up.
  • And then freaking four-eyes Curtis over here, THIS kid’s got some issues.
  • Yeah, Steven is a cop killer.
  • At least there’s one kid in this town with a good head on his shoulders. Thanks, Timmy! But now you’ve got a target on your back.
  • Curtis, that’s a really real looking fake gun, dude. Don’t tote that around the junkyard.
  • When I was a kid, I was absolutely petrified of getting locked in a refrigerator in a junkyard. Timmy is living my nightmare, while Curtis is just living his best self.
  • Timmy now you’re exposing Debbie’s pimp kingdom, you are DIGGING YOURSELF A HOLE BUDDYBOY.
  • Debbie’s got a scrapbook of victims/potential victims. This is the first recorded “Burn Book.”
  • I’m just realizing Debbie set her own sheriff Dad up to die. Cold.
  • Oh Curtis has got the sheriff’s gun. Oh he shot the gun. Oh this is a bold choice.
  • “Have you ever played doctor?” Debbie, you are 10. I know you’re cold and you were born during an eclipse and you’re killing people. But that’s a lot.
  • How these two ten-year olds are chasing Joyce through a junkyard with a car is beyond me but damn, it’s entertaining.
  • Curtis ’bout to paint the town RED with that glock. 718_bloody-birthday-thumb-610xauto-1772
  • So it’s the moon and the sun’s fault for blocking Saturn on the day of their birth. And “Saturn controls emotions and how you treat people.”
  • Is there no Lover’s Lane for these kids to park their van? We’re just gonna do it on a residential street? And then no one is gonna hear Curtis fire the gun?
  • Remember how their teacher, Debbie’s father and a handful of kids died in the past couple days and this birthday party still has fifty people there? The show must go on, I guess.
  • Mighty Mouse party!
  • All of these kids are killer kids, but Curtis is the worst by far. Debbie is the brains, Steven is the muscle, but Curtis is a god damn assassin.
  • Oh my god, Curtis, ANT POISON in icing?
  • Curtis knows, no one can resist frosting.
  • #TeamJoyce. #WhereIsSaturn?
  • Joyce’s boyfriend is a stupid idiot who can’t just sneak into houses DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING IN THIS TOWN?
  • Ohhhhhhh Beverly, you wild child, you’re not gonna like what you find in Debbie’s room.
  • CURTIS IS THE FALL GUY. DEBBIE IS A GENIUS.
  • What I wouldn’t give to dial a rotary telephone just one more time.
  • Debbie is finally gonna do some dirty work…
  • What’s the end game for this little terrors?
  • Debbie, you’ve caused your mom to be 5150’d. You are sinister.
  • I’m realizing more and more how freaking crazy it is that these kids are just getting away with this stuff because no one believes they’d do it! That thought alone kinda freaks me out.
  • Joyce, you don’t want to babysit Debbie. And you know that.
  • Debbie, you sly dog.

The Verdict:

What a mean-spirited flick. I dug the ambiguity of their reasons behind the killings, and those kids actually freaked me out a little bit. Their ability to turn from killers into normal, innocent kids was uncanny and unnerving. The film doesn’t have a lot going on in/for it, but the last few segments of killing and uncovering more information about the murders is great. The DVD transfer that I have was garbage, but this trailer really gives a good visual.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Starring: Crystal Bernard, Patrick Lowe, Kimberly McArthur, Juliette Cummins, Heidi Kozak, Joel Hoffman, Scott Westmoreland, Atanas Ilitch

Directed by Deborah Brock

Format: DVD

Tagline: “Thrills, Chills, and Guitar Drills”

“The only sane survivor of the first incident, Courtney, dreams of the driller killer returning in the first sequel, Slumber Party Massacre II.She can’t help shake the feeling that she and her friends will be viciously tormented by the killer. Her nightmare becomes reality when the killer returns, reincarnated as an evil rocker with a deadly guitar.”

The Story:

I snagged Shout Factory’s collection of all three Slumber Party Massacre films a couple years ago. I watched the first one, which didn’t do too much for me. It was a fun watch but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to watch the second. Until I read the description. Sounds RAD.

My Thoughts:

  • Juliette Cummins. Lol.
  • James Cummins. Lol.
  • Serious flashbacks to the first one. Actually a really well done recap, in case you hadn’t seen the first.
  • That was a really long “singing in a car” scene.
  • Girl garage band with a super soft lighting. What the fuck is happening?
  • You know this girl Sheila is a yuppie bitch when she asks her friend to get her Perrier.
  • Over the shoulder to HEAD ON SHOT WHAT IS THIS?
  • Hey, Courtney, remember when your sister got killed? Bummer.
  • “Sunday’s my birthday, and I don’t want to go to a mental hospital!”
  • This room:
  • Courtney’s dreams of a driller killer are so weird. Oh god, now they’re happening in real life.
  • Why does the drummer, Sally, always carry pink drumsticks? Just in case?
  • HAHAHA that’s not how you eat a corn dog.
  • A lot of pelvic thrusting.
  • There are always two guys who show up uninvited to a Slumber Party.
  • Slow motion pillow and bra fight.
  • “The more they do it, the louder they get. Practice makes perfect.”
  • Subconscious projection has been introduced as a reason Courtney may be fucking nuts.
  • I hate when people get upset about being splashed at a pool.
  • TJ is a slimeball though. He just punched a blowup sex doll in front of all his friends.
  • Courtney’s losing it. She almost just ate a severed hand sandwich.
  • A whole, uncooked chicken just attacked Courtney. In her subconscious.
  • Sally is one of the greatest songwriters of the 80s.
  • Bloodbath. Courtney is literally in a bath of blood.
  • She should’ve went to a mental hospital for her birthday.
  • It’s 45 minutes in and I’m wondering if anyone will die.
  • HAHAHAHAHAH PIMPLE POPPING SCENE.
  • This cop is an asshole.
  • If I was staying in this house with this crazy girl Courtney, I’d kick her ass out. Even if it is her birthday.
  • Drunk jam session.
  • Holy shit it’s actually happening. He’s got a drill on his guitar. He’s killing people. He doesn’t have a name.
  • That car door was already open, I wouldn’t get in it.
  • But I guess he’s an imaginative demon thing, he could be anywhere.
  • TJ, please die.
  • Courtney broke their only phone. Oh? There was no one else to call besides the police?
  • WHAT IS THIS DRILLER KILLER MUSICAL NUMBER?
  • Sheila is being sang to before she dies.
  • “I can’t get no….satisfaction.” -The Driller Killer
  • Can’t stop, loving YOU!
  • The killer’s laugh is horrible.

The Verdict:

I laughed. A lot. This was absolutely ridiculous. So ridiculous I couldn’t get mad at it. Maybe this isn’t a big deal, but the fact that this and the two other Slumber Party Massacres were written and directed by women is interesting to me. There’s a documentary on the DVD set about all three movies, I’ll have to watch that for some insight. But I think about these movies and others directed by women (Humanoids from the Deep, for example), and wonder what differences, if any, they have to the thousands of other horror and slasher movies directed by men. I’ll have to stew on that, I think.

Spookies (1986)

Starring: Felix Ward, Dan Scott, Alec Nemser, Maria Pechukas

Directed by Eugenie Joseph, Thomas Doran, Brendan Faulkner

Format: VHS

Tagline: “A demonic game of hide-and-seek…a night of unrelenting terror…”

“Imagine you and your friends are paired up with your favorite dates and the night is very young. There’s an old, dilapidated mansion just down the road a bit, near the deserted graveyard. It would be the perfect place to party…let loose…lose your souls.

What you and your friends don’t know is that inside the house lives an ancient sorcerer, a master of the dark arts. He has sacrificed many to give eternal life to his beloved, comatose bride. Just a few more humans are needed…

The masterful wizard is about to begin another evening of magic…conjuring up a dizzying array of monstrous creatures: hellish lizards, skeletal reapers, demons, zombies, ghosts, lust-crazed muck men, luring hags and spider women, all driven by a blind, killer instinct. Special guests will be treated to an onslaught of twisted supernatural torture until each begs to die!

Nothing you have ever witnessed before will have prepared you for the incredible special effects that make Spookies the ultimate, unforgettable experience in pure, unrelenting terror!”

My Story:

That description is insane. What do you think “lust-filled muck men” are? And do you think Professor Snape is behind all of this? Anyway, this was one of the first VHS tapes I ever bought for my “collection.” I guess it was before I started collecting, but I saw it in a used bookstore and had to snag it. This was about six years ago. I couldn’t go wrong with a name like Spookies. It’s just so…silly. It’s too silly of a name to be an experience in pure and unrelenting terror. But I’ve been wrong before. What about the trailer?

Holy shit. If you’d like to join me watching this movie, you can do so below. Tell me what you think.

My Thoughts:

  • What is this kid doing in a cemetery anyway? This isn’t what the description said.
  • And now he’s giving strangers lighters.
  • What the hell? Why was he so ominous?
  • This sorcerer really loves this dead girl. If she could hear the sweet nothings he is saying to her dead ears, she’d..well…I don’t know.
  • That dude in the back of the car is a sasshole. He’s also that guy who always brings a puppet to the matter. Fuck off, bro.
  • This first creature is very Michael Jackson Thriller-esque.
  • Good thing this kid just walked into his 13th birthday party in a haunted house. HE THINKS HIS PARENTS SET THIS UP? What a dumbass.
  • He’s a 13 year-old boy. He doesn’t want a baby doll. The sorcerer is behind the times/also really dumb.
  • Who smells presents before they open them?
  • “It’s spooky as hell inside.” Oh rad.
  • I don’t understand the relationship between all of these people.
  • Good god, a Ouija board.
  • How good is possession?
  • “Make sure she makes their departure…somewhat amusing.”
  • That must be what a “muck-man” is.
  • That bride isn’t happy…
  • Dude just ran and fell down the stairs.
  • I’m not happy about the muck-men farting.
  • Muck-men MELT with liquid? This…that doesn’t…okay.
  • This puppeteer asshole guy seems unworried about anything happening in this house.
  • It’s all happening in this house. I can’t even. What is this gargoyle thing?
  • That girl almost got away, too.
  • FACE MELTER.
  • If your friends are disappearing, I don’t think it’s funny to scare the people you’re with as a joke.
  • WTF is this fight scene?
  • I wish that the monsters in this movie were animatronic. That would be so cool. Maybe some Dinamation?
  • “What are you nuts or something, lady?” I mean, she is a spider woman.
  • The effects in this are pretty entertaining. The spider woman was pretty sweet.
  • Of course he came out after you, he’s chasing you for a reason.
  • The attempt to use shadows in this film is outrageous.
  • There are so many demons and monsters and there’s so much going on I don’t know what’s going on. Good sentence, huh?
  • Why is there electricity coming out of this woman’s head?
  • This bride doesn’t want your old ass magic tricks, bro.
  • You can’t just kick skulls for no reason, lady.
  • You also can’t just lay down in a cemetery.
  • Did we just swap storylines? What is happening?
  • The Wikipedia page for this film just explained everything. What a shit show.

The Verdict:

Two segments of films can’t always be mashed together to make one film. You can try and try but when one film ends, it can’t be picked up by a random cast of characters and a separate storyline…usually. But this was handled pretty well for all the trouble it seems like the filmmakers went through. It still makes little sense and it’s still super choppy, but I was pretty entertained by the effects and the soundtrack and all the cheesy goodness that comes along with an 80s horror movie on VHS.

The Forest (1982)

Starring: Dean Russell, Gary Kent, Tomi Barrett, John Batis, Ann Wilkinson, Jeanette Kelly, Tony Gee, Stafford Morgan, Marilyn Anderson, Corky Pigeon and Becki Burke

Directed by Don Jones

Format: DVD

Taglines: “If you go into the woods today you might not get out ALIVE!”

“Daddy’s Gone A-Hunting.”

“Two couples plan a trip into the forest. But they didn’t count on a killer on the loose with a taste for human flesh! Haunted by the ghosts of his children, the killer is eventually double-crossed as the ghosts come to aid the campers in this unique entry into the killer-in-the-woods genre.”

My Story:

First off, have I really not written a review since July? I’m a sad sack 😦 school has really got a grip on me. But, it’s absolutely time to take a break from school and watch some trash! I either picked up The Forest at a pawn shop or the Book Barn in my hometown. It was so long ago that I honestly can’t remember. But it looked pretty sleazy and like a bad slasher movie. I could do half of a post regarding the description on the back, but I won’t. All I know is that it is from the director of The Love Butcher and Housewife From Hell, and has performance by someone named Corky Pigeon. Could be huge.

My Thoughts:

  • So, there are a few fake names in the opening credits. Was the movie really THAT bad?
  • “There’s nothing out there, it’s your imagination.” Oh, there’s never anything in forests? I forgot they were always abandon.
  • Okay, stare at the killer for a few seconds before realizing he has a way larger knife than he should.
  • You can also show a stab wound before the initial stabbing, that works too I guess.
  • Two people dunzo in the first six minutes before cutting back to…Los Angeles?
  • “We’ve been discussing divorce.” So matter-of-factly, Steve.
  • “We’re talking about roughing it.” “You know, backpacking.”
  • Was rapists really the go-to danger for trying to get your significant others NOT to go camping?
  • Steve and Sharon are a pretty loving looking couple for talking about divorce.
  • Sick Mazda truck bro. It would overheat.
  • Early 80s cars are truly the ugliest.
  • A mechanic with no top teeth is the most honest and trustworthy man. Excepted he plugged a radiator for $140 and it took him 4 hours.
  • Don’t complain about camping if it was your idea. Stupid.
  • “Oh no, it’s not gonna RAIN is it?” I don’t know, there’s thunder. There probably isn’t a huge chance…
  • Wow, was that dramatic sound byte necessary for tent posts?
  • Are they going to leave their truck windows down? Didn’t they hear the thunder that their girlfriends heard?

Okay, so here’s where the story is at minute 25. The couple of women (Sharon and Teddi) are already in the Forest at their “camp site.” The men (Steve and Charlie) are making there way to the site now, even though the sun is going down. I feel like I needed to explain because, chances are, you won’t watch this.

  • Wow. Wow. The greatest song just came on as the men search for the camp site. “There’s nothing to fear/Is there?/People do disappear, but where do they hide?/In the dark side of the forest/Now don’t you get lost/He watched/You have to pay the cost because many have died/In the dark side of the forest.” The rest is inaudible (and I don’t want to go back). But seriously, the greatest.
  • Was a bobcat sound effect needed? How about ten? Necessary?
  • WHAT? Oh, are those the ghost children? I forgot this was strangely supernatural.
  • “I’m bored, let’s go home.” Yeah, me too ghost girl. Me too.
  • Sharon and Teddi, you were strangely calm for seeing a woman with a hole in her head looking for her children in an echoed voice.
  • There you go, that’s how you panic Teddi. “Get the knife!”
  • Oh hey guy, you live in a cave with a rocking chair and candle sticks? Seems cozy.
  • Yes the kids just said the “Daddy’s Gone A-Hunting” tagline!
  • Teddi is the first to go, that’s my bet.
  • “I don’t want to hurt you, but I haven’t had anything to eat for days! I’m starving to death!”
  • Teddi cut the killer’s hand and he goes, “What’d you do that for?” I don’t know, you were only trying to kill her.
  • Why is it daylight all of a sudden? This is the worst.
  • Yup, Teddi’s done.
  • Little does Charlie know that he will be eating some part of his girlfriend in this cave.
  • Oh yeah, Charlie’s got a knife alright. His Swiss Army keychain.
  • That human is quite raw. I think it should be over the fire for another 6 hours or so.
  • This killer’s wife was sleeping aroundddd. No wonder he lives in a cave in the woods. That’s your only option at that point.
  • FLASHBACK! He’s wearing a lab coat, is he a scientist?
  • “I did what any man would do…nothing.”
  • RETURN TO FLASHBACK! Wow, that hole in her head was from the corner of the dresser. There you go John (the killer).
  • How does John keep getting in front of his wife’s lover Carl after he temporarily stops him?
  • Showdown between a pitchfork and a bicycle ends in a draw.
  • Dad hugs are the best, especially after the kids witness Dad kill their mom and her lover.
  • “Charlie I’ll meet you back here in an hour.” Steve, Charlie doesn’t know where the hell he is. He won’t meet you in an hour. He’ll absolutely be dead.
  • “Let’s go see that hold man, I’ve got a feeling about him.” What? You want to elaborate?
  • That meet would still be over the fire when they visit. I guess even John the Killer knew it was raw.
  • I don’t know how Sharon just used that hill as a Slip ‘n Slide, but she did.
  • A crazy twist would be if Sharon hid in a bear’s den.
  • A dramatic and apologetic arm grab from Steve to Charlie. When they said “couples” on the back, did they mean gay couples? There’s a strange tension.
  • Steve just fell into a stream and yelled “OW!”Oh, he has a compound fracture, nevermind.
  • “Being alive is so sad.” Coming from the eight-year old boy.
  • It’s okay Steve, crying and talking to yourself will help.
  • How come the little girl has an accent, and the boy doesn’t?
  • Daylight to sunset to nighttime in 10 seconds.
  • Are the bullfrogs really sketching Charlie out? Relax man, there are bigger things to worry about.
  • Anddddd DIVING STAB!
  • These guys seriously need to get their times right. It wasn’t daylight a minute ago.
  • Hey kids…why are your lips purple?
  • I wish they would paint more rocks red.
  • Oh no, the ghosts are threatening to leave John the killer!
  • Does Sharon even care that she was almost killed?
  • John has eyes like a hawk.
  • John needs to get a new hoodie. You would think with all the people he kills, he could take their money and go out every once in a while.
  • And Sharon saves the day.
  • “Goodbye? where are you going?” I wish they said, “I don’t know, we’re ghosts, dumbass. We can’t just chill in the weeds all the time.”
  • Ending song: “On the road to the edge of forever…”

The Verdict:

Someone get Smokey the Bear because this movie crashed and burned!

Don’t let me do stupid puns again.

I ask myself all the time why I watch these movies. There are some terrible movies I enjoy watching, and then there are one I can’t stand.  The Forest was quite boring. There were a couple good things here and there. And by good I mean so bad that they were worth it. One example being the original score, which was way too good to be true. But the whole idea of a custody battle of dead children between a living father and a dead mother was beyond me. The script was not great, and the acting didn’t help it out either. I leave you with the trailer because you need to feel at least 1 minute and 54 seconds of what I sat through.

P.S.=While looking for pictures for this review, I realized that Dread Central has the exact image of the pitchfork/bicycle fight that I wanted. And they didn’t like the movie either.

976-EVIL (1988)

Starring: Stephen Geoffreys, Jim Metzler, Maria Rubell, Pat O’Bryan and Sandy Dennis

Directed by Robert Englund

Format: DVD

Tagline: “Revenge is on the line.”

“Director Robert ‘Freddy Kruger’ Englund dials up a contemporary gothic tale of  high tech horror in 976-EVIL.

High school underdog Hoax Wilmoth (Stephen Geoffreys), fills up the idle hours in his seedy little hometown fending off the local leather-jacketed thugs, avoiding his overbearing, religious fanatic mother (Sandy Dennis) and dreaming of a date with trailer park temptress Suzie (Lezlie Deane). But his quietly desperate life takes a terrifying turn when his cousin Spike introduces him to an unusual new hobby – phoning in for his ‘horrorscope.’ Instead of the slightly kinky astrological he’s expecting, Hoaz is hooked up with a compellingly hideous demonic force that slowly begins to overtake his entire life.  Now there’s more than just a phone bill to pay for anyone and everyone who ever dared cross the neighborhood nerd.”

My Story:

This was pretty recently purchased actually, but I’ve been excited to watch it.  I found out about the movie by looking through Fright-Rags t-shirts.  I thought by the shirt design it looked interesting enough and that I wanted to watch it.  Then I found out that Robert Englund directed it, so that should be interesting.  And by the synopsis, it sounds like it’s going to be Trick or Treat-ish.  At least, that’s what I have in my head.  We’ll see if it’s similar.

My Thoughts:

  • Jesus mural on a brick wall! Great way to start out the movie.  Along with some creepy phones ringing.
  • …What? I feel like the movie Phonebooth should’ve ended like this movie began; with a phone booth spontaneously combusting.
  • Crazy cat lady? Not…crazy cat BOY in pajamas! Oh, nevermind…there she is.
  • The crazy televangelist character seems to come up a lot in horror movies.
  • Any character named Spike is bad news bears.
  • OH MY GOD, I wish I had a bank tube in my room! Except, I really wouldn’t want it attached to my neighbors house…
  • I can’t believe Spike is breaking into his own Aunt’s house to chug some milk. Oh, he’s stealing money too.
  • …Why is it raining fish? And why are they alive? Call PETA.
  • Someone tell me, were high school bathrooms incredibly vandalized in the 80s, and were swirlies common?
  • How is his hair well kept and slightly wet?
  • Hoax’s scooter is probably the coolest thing in the world.
  • Never make a deal with Horrorscope operators.
  • Holy crap, I wish there was a Phone-Mart in my town!
  • If the Horrorscope says look both ways before you cross the street…you look both ways damn it.
  • Ha, he ordered a deviled egg, get it?
  • Motorcycle in a skirt just doesn’t seem like a good idea.
  • Hoax is creeping like no one’s business.
  • Horror Marathon all seats $1.99! Oh my god, I wish that was still around.
  • Hey Hoax, I like your sweater vest.
  • You know, this movie is going kinda slow…unless, this is the changing point.
  • You should really start a gas oven with a fishnet arm warmer and a match.
  • Did the Horrorscope really tell Hoax to build a pentagram with candles on his floor?
  • Horrors of Spider Island?
  • Sandy Dennis is phenomenal.
  • The principal is really giving a private investigator only 5 minutes to talk to him.
  • The tables have turned!
  • Why is there fog in the locker room?
  • “I hate the heavy breathing crap” says the constantly sniffling phone solicitation manager.
  • That one bully said, “man” 9 times in about a minute and a half.
  • I hate when my eyes glaze over, AND THEN turn into cat like eyes.
  • There would be a Fright Night poster in here.  Actually, they have a pretty good poster collection. I respect that.
  • Is that a straight up mullet? I think a rattail would’ve been cooler for Hoax.
  • He just wrecked some awesome bowling shoes.
  • Why is every single bathroom in this film trashed?
  • Hoax no, don’t kill your parrot!
  • Doesn’t this woman wonder WHY the house is so trashed, cold, and blue?
  • I bet there will be a “when Hell freezes over” joke.
  • Do the cats always end up eating the cat lady in the end?
  • Where did Spike end up? Oh, found him.
  • YES, I FINALLY CALLED AN UPCOMING SCENE. Hell frozen over, I win.
  • No, Spike you can’t talk down a demon like this, it doesn’t work. Even if he once was your cousin.
  • …I can’t believe they green-screened those people onto a porch…that’s all that was.

The Verdict:

I enjoyed this movie.  Right when it was about to loose my interest, it picked right back up again.  I liked all the characters and how they acted, even if the setting was kind of far-fetched.  The story was somewhat predictable (especially since I called some bad jokes), but I thought it was a funny concept and made for a good film.  It wasn’t great but wasn’t awful. 976-EVIL is one of those movies that you watch, enjoy it while it’s there, and then it will just sit until you’re looking for something to pass the time. Stephen Geoffrey was fantastic and I feel like I need to see more stuff with him since he’s considered a horror icon.  He was great. All the acting was good, and it could’ve been really bad with a story like this.  Well done, Robert Englund.  I’m ready for the sequel.