Spookies (1986)

Starring: Felix Ward, Dan Scott, Alec Nemser, Maria Pechukas

Directed by Eugenie Joseph, Thomas Doran, Brendan Faulkner

Format: VHS

Tagline: “A demonic game of hide-and-seek…a night of unrelenting terror…”

“Imagine you and your friends are paired up with your favorite dates and the night is very young. There’s an old, dilapidated mansion just down the road a bit, near the deserted graveyard. It would be the perfect place to party…let loose…lose your souls.

What you and your friends don’t know is that inside the house lives an ancient sorcerer, a master of the dark arts. He has sacrificed many to give eternal life to his beloved, comatose bride. Just a few more humans are needed…

The masterful wizard is about to begin another evening of magic…conjuring up a dizzying array of monstrous creatures: hellish lizards, skeletal reapers, demons, zombies, ghosts, lust-crazed muck men, luring hags and spider women, all driven by a blind, killer instinct. Special guests will be treated to an onslaught of twisted supernatural torture until each begs to die!

Nothing you have ever witnessed before will have prepared you for the incredible special effects that make Spookies the ultimate, unforgettable experience in pure, unrelenting terror!”

My Story:

That description is insane. What do you think “lust-filled muck men” are? And do you think Professor Snape is behind all of this? Anyway, this was one of the first VHS tapes I ever bought for my “collection.” I guess it was before I started collecting, but I saw it in a used bookstore and had to snag it. This was about six years ago. I couldn’t go wrong with a name like Spookies. It’s just so…silly. It’s too silly of a name to be an experience in pure and unrelenting terror. But I’ve been wrong before. What about the trailer?

Holy shit. If you’d like to join me watching this movie, you can do so below. Tell me what you think.

My Thoughts:

• What is this kid doing in a cemetery anyway? This isn’t what the description said.
• And now he’s giving strangers lighters.
• What the hell? Why was he so ominous?
• This sorcerer really loves this dead girl. If she could hear the sweet nothings he is saying to her dead ears, she’d..well…I don’t know.
• That dude in the back of the car is a sasshole. He’s also that guy who always brings a puppet to the matter. Fuck off, bro.
• This first creature is very Michael Jackson Thriller-esque.
• Good thing this kid just walked into his 13th birthday party in a haunted house. HE THINKS HIS PARENTS SET THIS UP? What a dumbass.
• He’s a 13 year-old boy. He doesn’t want a baby doll. The sorcerer is behind the times/also really dumb.
• Who smells presents before they open them?
• “It’s spooky as hell inside.” Oh rad.
• I don’t understand the relationship between all of these people.
• Good god, a Ouija board.
• How good is possession?
• “Make sure she makes their departure…somewhat amusing.”
• That must be what a “muck-man” is.
• That bride isn’t happy…
• Dude just ran and fell down the stairs.
• I’m not happy about the muck-men farting.
• Muck-men MELT with liquid? This…that doesn’t…okay.
• This puppeteer asshole guy seems unworried about anything happening in this house.
• It’s all happening in this house. I can’t even. What is this gargoyle thing?
• That girl almost got away, too.
• FACE MELTER.
• If your friends are disappearing, I don’t think it’s funny to scare the people you’re with as a joke.
• WTF is this fight scene?
• I wish that the monsters in this movie were animatronic. That would be so cool. Maybe some Dinamation?
• “What are you nuts or something, lady?” I mean, she is a spider woman.
• The effects in this are pretty entertaining. The spider woman was pretty sweet.
• Of course he came out after you, he’s chasing you for a reason.
• The attempt to use shadows in this film is outrageous.
• There are so many demons and monsters and there’s so much going on I don’t know what’s going on. Good sentence, huh?
• Why is there electricity coming out of this woman’s head?
• This bride doesn’t want your old ass magic tricks, bro.
• You can’t just kick skulls for no reason, lady.
• You also can’t just lay down in a cemetery.
• Did we just swap storylines? What is happening?
• The Wikipedia page for this film just explained everything. What a shit show.

The Verdict:

Two segments of films can’t always be mashed together to make one film. You can try and try but when one film ends, it can’t be picked up by a random cast of characters and a separate storyline…usually. But this was handled pretty well for all the trouble it seems like the filmmakers went through. It still makes little sense and it’s still super choppy, but I was pretty entertained by the effects and the soundtrack and all the cheesy goodness that comes along with an 80s horror movie on VHS.