Tag Archives: slasher

Edge Of Sanity (1989)

MV5BMTA3MDAwNjYzMTNeQTJeQWpwZ15BbWU2MDg0NTU5OA@@._V1_Starring: Anthony Perkins, Glynis Barber, Sarah Maur-Thorp

Directed by Gérard Kikoïne

Format: DVD

Tagline: “Double The Terror. Double The Fun.”

“Anthony Perkins, famous for his compelling performances in Psycho and Crimes Of Passion, creates a new face for the tormented Henry Jekyll, the respected physician whose dangerous experiments with cocaine unleash his alter ego, the uncontrollable Jack Hyde.

Under the drug’s powerful influence, Hyde has perverted nightmares of sex and violence that consume his soul. Drawn to London’s prostitute district, Hyde’s rage explodes in a killing spree. Could the Real Jack the Ripper have been someone like fictional Mr. Hyde? Explore the terrifying possibilities that lie on the EDGE OF SANITY.

Somehow I owned two copies of this movie at once. One copy on VHS (which ultimately has better cover art that Scream Factory used for their release), and one copy on DVD that was part of a four-movie pack I bought specifically for 1946’s The Spiral Staircase. I ditched the VHS and kept the DVD. The Jekyll/Hyde story has never been of much interest to me, except for when I heard that David Hasselhoff was in a musical theater version. But even that was just a flash of excitement. I do love me some Anthony Perkins, though, so let’s fire it up.

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Thoughts:

  • Sex in a barn at the turn of the century must have been as popular as sex in a car is now. Like, popular enough but not the ideal place, right?
  • Whoa, crazy little dream sequence kicking things off.
  • Oh I definitely thought this was going to be a modern retelling of the story. Damn.
  • OKAY BUT THEY’RE STILL GONNA BE GRAPHIC ABOUT SOME SHIT.
  • Cue Buckcherry’s “Lit Up” through the whole rest of this movie.
  • “Darling come and see this [I’m feeding cocaine to the monkey we have in the house]!”
  • Cocaine Monkey is my band name.
  • Uh oh, monkey spilled some sort of chemical on the cocaine and I think he’s now basically making crack? Is this all a reflection of the crack epidemic in the United States?
  • Crazy how monkey-produced crack will make you look like you’ve already been on a week-long bender.
  • Johnny is supposed to bring in customers for Flora’s brothel and he chooses meth face Mr. Hyde? Not the clientele you want if you were to judge a book by its cover.
  • Also, straight-up, not even 20 minutes in and we are just FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS. vlcsnap_2015_08_26_23h39m05s108
  • Visually, this feels very Western European. Ken Russell and Peter Greenaway combined.
  • Anthony Perkins massaging a woman’s butt and exclaiming “look at that!” is freakin’ bizarre.
  • I love how, even on crack, Jekyll/Hyde can cleanly slice a woman up.
  • Ah, looks like Kikoïne was quite the porn director at one point. No wonder this feels so free and unreserved.
  • And this was his second to last film, and it looks like he straight up fell off the face of the Earth except for some festival appearances and a book last year. I’m so intrigued by what this director is all about.
  • Perkins is so underrated.
  • Homegirl, he paid in advance, just get outta there! Don’t go chasing crackheads.
  • Okay, I’m uncomfortable.
  • Okay, I’m uncomfortable.
  • Okayyyyy, I’m uncomfortableeeeeee.
  • Hyde looking for love in all the wrong places.
  • Crack is whack.tumblr_oo3o62CQcj1uls1d1o2_1280
  • How come no one at Madam Flora’s is skeptical of Hyde? Oh, because brothels are terrible places and their clientele are often terrible people.
  • WHOA allusion to daddy issues. Allusion? Nah, more like weirdly blatant disclosure.
  • Anthony Perkins facilitating this rapey, crack-fueled threesome in a brothel is insane.
  • Jekyll, now you’re letting the drugs affect your work and your marriage. Someone needs a sponsor.
  • Nothing I hate more than constant lightning. Storms don’t work like that.
  • WOW, this climactic descent into total madness is beautiful and bizarre.
  • Now we know what repressed sexual shame, trauma and drug abuse can do to a person.
  • Poor Mrs. Jekyll, though. Drug and sex addicted multiple personality husband.
  • I really thought Cocaine Monkey was gonna save the day.

The Verdict:

What an unpleasant and unrelenting film. A retelling of Jekyll/Hyde and accounts of Jack the Ripper have room to be expound upon and told in a brutal fashion. But this was just bizarre. The performances were fantastic; Anthony Perkins is probably at his creepiest and Sarah Maur-Thorp was brilliant. It was visually very interesting and even beautiful at points, but the tone of the thing was just icky, honestly. It will forever in my collection, though, because the flipside of the DVD I own is The Spiral Staircase.

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Bloody Birthday (1981)

am_93t28317qsnvg9135_1300x1733Starring: Lori Lethin, Julie Brown, Joe Penny

Directed by Ed Hunt

Format: DVD

Tagline: “This is one birthday invitation you can’t refuse!”

Under the spell of a total solar eclipse, three women living in the same small town give birth simultaneously. The three children are angel faced, the best of friends and oh so innocent – but these little kids are the most lethal killers ever!

Just before a giant party to celebrate their mutual tenth birthdays, a series of gruesome murders begins. Like precision killing machines, the mini murderers can’t be stopped. Blood and death fuel their existence.”

You know, this blog started seven years ago. It was a place for me to go through my movie collection, whether to purge or to praise, and have fun while watching these movies. In the past three years, I got married, I moved to California, I subscribed to Netflix and Hulu, and the way I watched movies completely changed. But the collector in me never really stopped collecting. The modes changed, my budget certainly changed, but I never stopped plucking gems at the local thrift store or rental place. I’m at a point in my life now where the way I watch movies is changing yet again, and I want to dive in to my old physical media collection and discover/rediscover these flicks I picked up long ago.

Bloody Birthday was a recent acquisition during a trip to Las Vegas where we were conducting interviews for Survival of the Film Freaks. I didn’t realize that I was familiar with the alternate birthday cake artwork until after I purchased the above DVD, did some more research, and discovered they were the same movie. Aside from being familiar with the cover, I knew nothing about the film, but I assumed it was just another slasher.

Thoughts:

  • Eclipse births. Gotta be something wrong there.
  • Look, maybe it’s a generational thing, but cemetery hookups were never in my or my peers vocabulary.
  • Punk ass kids asking for no homework on their birthday, c’mon. bloodybirthday2
  • Debbie (Elizabeth Hoy) has got such a look, actually super creepy because she looks like a little cherub.
  • But then you find out she’s pimping out her sister Beverly’s habitual (un)dressing routine and you’re like…you’re 10 years old.
  • Astrology is gonna be a huge factor in this one, huh?
  • Little blonde Steven, however, already looks like a bully and is definitely gonna mess some people up.
  • And then freaking four-eyes Curtis over here, THIS kid’s got some issues.
  • Yeah, Steven is a cop killer.
  • At least there’s one kid in this town with a good head on his shoulders. Thanks, Timmy! But now you’ve got a target on your back.
  • Curtis, that’s a really real looking fake gun, dude. Don’t tote that around the junkyard.
  • When I was a kid, I was absolutely petrified of getting locked in a refrigerator in a junkyard. Timmy is living my nightmare, while Curtis is just living his best self.
  • Timmy now you’re exposing Debbie’s pimp kingdom, you are DIGGING YOURSELF A HOLE BUDDYBOY.
  • Debbie’s got a scrapbook of victims/potential victims. This is the first recorded “Burn Book.”
  • I’m just realizing Debbie set her own sheriff Dad up to die. Cold.
  • Oh Curtis has got the sheriff’s gun. Oh he shot the gun. Oh this is a bold choice.
  • “Have you ever played doctor?” Debbie, you are 10. I know you’re cold and you were born during an eclipse and you’re killing people. But that’s a lot.
  • How these two ten-year olds are chasing Joyce through a junkyard with a car is beyond me but damn, it’s entertaining.
  • Curtis ’bout to paint the town RED with that glock. 718_bloody-birthday-thumb-610xauto-1772
  • So it’s the moon and the sun’s fault for blocking Saturn on the day of their birth. And “Saturn controls emotions and how you treat people.”
  • Is there no Lover’s Lane for these kids to park their van? We’re just gonna do it on a residential street? And then no one is gonna hear Curtis fire the gun?
  • Remember how their teacher, Debbie’s father and a handful of kids died in the past couple days and this birthday party still has fifty people there? The show must go on, I guess.
  • Mighty Mouse party!
  • All of these kids are killer kids, but Curtis is the worst by far. Debbie is the brains, Steven is the muscle, but Curtis is a god damn assassin.
  • Oh my god, Curtis, ANT POISON in icing?
  • Curtis knows, no one can resist frosting.
  • #TeamJoyce. #WhereIsSaturn?
  • Joyce’s boyfriend is a stupid idiot who can’t just sneak into houses DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING IN THIS TOWN?
  • Ohhhhhhh Beverly, you wild child, you’re not gonna like what you find in Debbie’s room.
  • CURTIS IS THE FALL GUY. DEBBIE IS A GENIUS.
  • What I wouldn’t give to dial a rotary telephone just one more time.
  • Debbie is finally gonna do some dirty work…
  • What’s the end game for this little terrors?
  • Debbie, you’ve caused your mom to be 5150’d. You are sinister.
  • I’m realizing more and more how freaking crazy it is that these kids are just getting away with this stuff because no one believes they’d do it! That thought alone kinda freaks me out.
  • Joyce, you don’t want to babysit Debbie. And you know that.
  • Debbie, you sly dog.

The Verdict:

What a mean-spirited flick. I dug the ambiguity of their reasons behind the killings, and those kids actually freaked me out a little bit. Their ability to turn from killers into normal, innocent kids was uncanny and unnerving. The film doesn’t have a lot going on in/for it, but the last few segments of killing and uncovering more information about the murders is great. The DVD transfer that I have was garbage, but this trailer really gives a good visual.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Starring: Crystal Bernard, Patrick Lowe, Kimberly McArthur, Juliette Cummins, Heidi Kozak, Joel Hoffman, Scott Westmoreland, Atanas Ilitch

Directed by Deborah Brock

Format: DVD

Tagline: “Thrills, Chills, and Guitar Drills”

“The only sane survivor of the first incident, Courtney, dreams of the driller killer returning in the first sequel, Slumber Party Massacre II.She can’t help shake the feeling that she and her friends will be viciously tormented by the killer. Her nightmare becomes reality when the killer returns, reincarnated as an evil rocker with a deadly guitar.”

The Story:

I snagged Shout Factory’s collection of all three Slumber Party Massacre films a couple years ago. I watched the first one, which didn’t do too much for me. It was a fun watch but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to watch the second. Until I read the description. Sounds RAD.

My Thoughts:

  • Juliette Cummins. Lol.
  • James Cummins. Lol.
  • Serious flashbacks to the first one. Actually a really well done recap, in case you hadn’t seen the first.
  • That was a really long “singing in a car” scene.
  • Girl garage band with a super soft lighting. What the fuck is happening?
  • You know this girl Sheila is a yuppie bitch when she asks her friend to get her Perrier.
  • Over the shoulder to HEAD ON SHOT WHAT IS THIS?
  • Hey, Courtney, remember when your sister got killed? Bummer.
  • “Sunday’s my birthday, and I don’t want to go to a mental hospital!”
  • This room:
  • Courtney’s dreams of a driller killer are so weird. Oh god, now they’re happening in real life.
  • Why does the drummer, Sally, always carry pink drumsticks? Just in case?
  • HAHAHA that’s not how you eat a corn dog.
  • A lot of pelvic thrusting.
  • There are always two guys who show up uninvited to a Slumber Party.
  • Slow motion pillow and bra fight.
  • “The more they do it, the louder they get. Practice makes perfect.”
  • Subconscious projection has been introduced as a reason Courtney may be fucking nuts.
  • I hate when people get upset about being splashed at a pool.
  • TJ is a slimeball though. He just punched a blowup sex doll in front of all his friends.
  • Courtney’s losing it. She almost just ate a severed hand sandwich.
  • A whole, uncooked chicken just attacked Courtney. In her subconscious.
  • Sally is one of the greatest songwriters of the 80s.
  • Bloodbath. Courtney is literally in a bath of blood.
  • She should’ve went to a mental hospital for her birthday.
  • It’s 45 minutes in and I’m wondering if anyone will die.
  • HAHAHAHAHAH PIMPLE POPPING SCENE.
  • This cop is an asshole.
  • If I was staying in this house with this crazy girl Courtney, I’d kick her ass out. Even if it is her birthday.
  • Drunk jam session.
  • Holy shit it’s actually happening. He’s got a drill on his guitar. He’s killing people. He doesn’t have a name.
  • That car door was already open, I wouldn’t get in it.
  • But I guess he’s an imaginative demon thing, he could be anywhere.
  • TJ, please die.
  • Courtney broke their only phone. Oh? There was no one else to call besides the police?
  • WHAT IS THIS DRILLER KILLER MUSICAL NUMBER?
  • Sheila is being sang to before she dies.
  • “I can’t get no….satisfaction.” -The Driller Killer
  • Can’t stop, loving YOU!
  • The killer’s laugh is horrible.

The Verdict:

I laughed. A lot. This was absolutely ridiculous. So ridiculous I couldn’t get mad at it. Maybe this isn’t a big deal, but the fact that this and the two other Slumber Party Massacres were written and directed by women is interesting to me. There’s a documentary on the DVD set about all three movies, I’ll have to watch that for some insight. But I think about these movies and others directed by women (Humanoids from the Deep, for example), and wonder what differences, if any, they have to the thousands of other horror and slasher movies directed by men. I’ll have to stew on that, I think.

S.I.C.K. (2003)

Starring: Ken Hebert, Amanda Watson, Hank Fields, Chris Bruck, Melissa Bale, Charlie Fenwick

Directed by Bob Willems

Format: DVD

Tagline: “This ‘Texas Massacre’ Is Nothing To Laugh At”

“At first it was a joke, a myth around the campfire for five friends staying at a remote cabin in the Texas woods. But when they begin to disappear one-by-one, replaced by scattered bloodied body parts and voodoo effigies, the remaining few scramble for their lives. But he’s out there. And he’s sick. And all he wants is blood…”

My Story:

Summer is now here for me, and being without an incredibly tine-consuming job leads me to resurrect The Leftovers. It’s been quite a while, I know. But I got DVDs piling up and it looks like I’m going to have to start weeding my collection. Starting with this gem. I remember always seeing this sucker in the rental store and being a bit skeptical of it. Maybe it was that the acronym for S.I.C.K. is “Serial Insane Clown Killer,” and I was wondering if clowns were being killed in the film. I can remember clown horror films sort of scaring me, but I had never in my life watched one to be scared of in the first place. Also, the clown on the cover and the clown on the back don’t really look that similar, except for the obvious white makeup. Also, they used “Texas Massacre” in the tagline, and I never trusted anyone who referenced Texas Chainsaw Massacre to describe their film. Okay, crazy guy killing randos? MOST DEFINITELY LIKE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. But whatever, that’s neither here nor there. My skepticism seems about right, though, seeing that the IMDB rating on this is 2.1, and the Rotten Tomatoes audience rating is 20%. So of course I bought it, somewhere, sometime…OH, look. I bought it with this LOOT. The trailer is also there, so check it out.

My Thoughts:

  • When it’s produced by the director and the lead actor…well, we’ll see. I’m judging hard in the first twenty seconds already.
  • Okay, the killer’s name is Billy…right on.
  • “Bring a change of underwear and all that gay porn you’ve got stashed away at your house because if I get shot down this weekend, I swear to God I’m switching teams.” Sore loser, huh?
  • Okay, the boss David is a pointless character.
  • When was the last time anyone ever yelled at an elevator after two seconds of it not arriving?
  • Two unnecessary flashbacks in a minute and a half? Word. Sorry, three. Three flashbacks. A FORTH. WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?
  • Thanks for the closeup of Brandon packing the knife from his underwear drawer.
  • I think I’ve only heard my grandfather say “And away we go” when I was 5. I’m not sure if adults say that to each other.
  • I wish their car got hit by a train when they crossed the tracks in that one shot. This movie would’ve ended quicker.
  • Tracy, for someone who doesn’t like Brandon, you sure were protective from that prostitute Sophia.
  • Flashbacks ‘r Us, Jesus.
  • “I just wanna suck your toes til you call me Daddy.” Guy at bar to a girl Denise, which is the fifth and final member of this trip to a remote cabin, which looks like anything but a remote cabin. There’s a cobblestone sidewalk.
  • Brandon is afraid of clown stories, so he’s going to get more beer for the crew after already showing up a minute earlier with beer.
  • I wonder if Miller Lite sponsored this film.
  • Brandon, the man who’s afraid of clowns, has a clown mask?
  • The last thing I wanted in this was a sex scene.
  • How did Mark and Susan get this fucked up in three minutes?
  • Nobody gives a shit where Denise wandered off to.
  • No one likes a poorly mixed disembodied voice, though!
  • This may be the only horror film in the 2000s with dramatic organ chords. I haven’t heard those in years.
  • Denise is a slimeball.
  • “You will regret this.” “What does that mean?!?” Lolz, okay.
  • This film is just all arguments and no horror.
  • I’ve never been so close to just shutting off a film.
  • Good thing they went back to get canteens before searching the woods for Susan.
  • “Keep your eyes peeled for Susan!” YEAH, NO SHIT BRANDON.
  • Stock footage of deer? Okay.
  • Why does the clown sound like a dinosaur?
  • Brandon just dropped the C-bomb on Denise.
  • All this clown wants is to pet women with his ax. Isn’t that all that anybody wants?
  • Half of the budget for this film was spent on plastic dolls.
  • “It sounds like wood being chucked.” Maybe it’s just my lack of forest knowledge, but I’ve never heard someone seriously use that phrase.
  • They don’t need to flashback to things we’ve already seen. We know what happened twenty minutes ago.
  • The sex scene in the woods intercut with wood being chopped HAS to have a double meaning, right?!
  • First character kill comes just over an hour in. GOOD GOD.
  • Post-sex search for Susan in the woods. Not together, mind you, separately.
  • This killer made the walls of their house in the woods out of black paper. Oh?
  • I give up.
  • “This is some fucked up shit right here.” Yeah.
  • The sheriff doesn’t just show up a minute after he said he couldn’t on the scanner. Seems legit.
  • 4 shots down, 2 left, he doesn’t know if he hit anything.
  • Costumes from K-Mart!

The Verdict:

Wow. No. I remember why I stopped watching shitty movies like this.

You can watch the entire film HERE.

Home Sick (2007)

Starring: Bill Moseley, Tiffany Shepis, Tom Towles, Lindsey Evans, Matt Lero

Directed by Adam Wingard

Format: Special Edition DVD

Tagline: “Who do you hate?”

“Bill Moseley stars as a smiling maniac named ‘Mr. Suitcase.’ With a briefcase full of razorblades, he crashes a homecoming get-together for Claire (Lindsey Evans) and forces the partygoers to identify people they hate.  Soon, a black-hooded supernatural killer is loose killing each person identified by the teens. The terrified friends realize they may also be viciously murdered because Tim (Matt Lero) awkwardly joked that he hated everyone at the party, too! As the corpses pile up and the body parts fly, the kids enlist the help of a crazed chili loving militia man who can give them the weapons they need to stay alive!”

My Story:

Ah yes, a movie Carly found back in May of 2010 at Strand. It’s got a couple of horror regulars in it. I always love me some Bill Moseley, you know? We’ll see how he does in this movie. I just love the fact that the synopsis had to include the fact that the militia man loves chili. I hope that somehow is of importance in this film. Sounds like it’s going to be a pretty interesting flick.

My Thoughts:

  • A little girl-on-girl to kick things off. Followed by some prick telling one of them to leave.
  • Oh, she’s a prostitute, alright…
  • “This is going to be the worst Christmas ever.” Thanks, cashier in an elf hat.
  • Stop fading in and out of him looking around a small motel bathroom.
  • DEAD HOOKER IN THE BATHROOM. If I had a dime for every time that happened…
  • I don’t know why that opening scene happened. At all.
  • I do wish my name was Mr. Suitcase though.
  • OH, that opening scene was later that night!
  • Yup, that girl is smoking two cigarettes at the same time.
  • This is the most awkward Christmas get-together.
  • Slow-motion Bill Moseley is extra creepy.

  • His teeth are SO white.
  • HAHAHAHAHAHA Bill Moseley was great.
  • Okay, the child molester neighbor at the door was stupid. But I guess he needed some distraction.
  • Pretty good special effects; a solid broken arm.
  • Oh man whyyyyyy did they have to show a curb stomp?
  • Tiffany Shepis, there is no reason for you to be cleaning any cafeteria like a ninja.
  • Jump scare yeahhhhhh. Scared the shit out of me.
  • Why in the hell did that guy just come in and tell Tiffany Shepis that some drug dealer got killed? She couldn’t have found out another way?
  • Opera music always plays in funeral homes right?
  • Forrest Pitts’ voice is bothering me way too much. I almost hope he gets killed off before the others.
  • Okay, you can puke on your dead mother’s body. That shouldn’t be a problem.
  • Come on man, why do you have to cut her foot in half?
  • Tim is so bothersome too. This is bad. Though Devin’s jumpsuit is pretty swell.
  • “Why did you take that picture (of the drug dealer’s split head)?” More importantly, why did you use a Polaroid camera?
  • The child molester is Robert’s boss, and now he has his ribcage ripped open. Good, great.
  • The characters really pay NO mind to these grisly murdered people in this town.
  • I know why this is all awkward. Reasons: Forrest Pitt and Matt Lero.
  • I’ve given up on this movie, for real. I don’t even know what to write about anymore.
  • Claire’s ex-boyfriend Anthony is a nutcase. Almost as nutty as Mr. Suitcase.
  • OH MY GOD THE KILLER IS DIGGING A KNIFE UNDER ANTHONY’S FINGERNAILS. NO. NO.
  • AWWWW YEAH, Lil’ Tommy Towles.
  • I guess the chili is a big part of this…so far. I mean, there’s a 2-3 minute convo about it.
  • I thought Towles was Tim’s uncle. Not his dad?
  • Claire just gave Mark a wet willy…why? This is getting real dumb real quick. Much like my grammar just then.
  • “Just help me get the bars off the windows.” Um…that doesn’t just happen.
  • Oh. my. God. Mark would you stop saying stupid shit to Claire. Please.
  • Plenty of gore, that’s a solid.

The Verdict:

Oh man, that was not that good. It’s unfortunate, the premise sounded somewhat original and interesting, it was just poorly executed. The special effects were fantastic though! And that’s not quite half the battle…maybe a quarter or a sixth of the battle. Regardless, brownie points for sure. I just wish it was better. Solid performance by Moseley, Shepis, Towles, and even Evans to some extent. But the other cast members were kind of weak, and the writing wasn’t all there. Anyways, I’ll leave you with the trailer and, if you come across Home Sick, you can decide for yourself.

The Forest (1982)

Starring: Dean Russell, Gary Kent, Tomi Barrett, John Batis, Ann Wilkinson, Jeanette Kelly, Tony Gee, Stafford Morgan, Marilyn Anderson, Corky Pigeon and Becki Burke

Directed by Don Jones

Format: DVD

Taglines: “If you go into the woods today you might not get out ALIVE!”

“Daddy’s Gone A-Hunting.”

“Two couples plan a trip into the forest. But they didn’t count on a killer on the loose with a taste for human flesh! Haunted by the ghosts of his children, the killer is eventually double-crossed as the ghosts come to aid the campers in this unique entry into the killer-in-the-woods genre.”

My Story:

First off, have I really not written a review since July? I’m a sad sack 😦 school has really got a grip on me. But, it’s absolutely time to take a break from school and watch some trash! I either picked up The Forest at a pawn shop or the Book Barn in my hometown. It was so long ago that I honestly can’t remember. But it looked pretty sleazy and like a bad slasher movie. I could do half of a post regarding the description on the back, but I won’t. All I know is that it is from the director of The Love Butcher and Housewife From Hell, and has performance by someone named Corky Pigeon. Could be huge.

My Thoughts:

  • So, there are a few fake names in the opening credits. Was the movie really THAT bad?
  • “There’s nothing out there, it’s your imagination.” Oh, there’s never anything in forests? I forgot they were always abandon.
  • Okay, stare at the killer for a few seconds before realizing he has a way larger knife than he should.
  • You can also show a stab wound before the initial stabbing, that works too I guess.
  • Two people dunzo in the first six minutes before cutting back to…Los Angeles?
  • “We’ve been discussing divorce.” So matter-of-factly, Steve.
  • “We’re talking about roughing it.” “You know, backpacking.”
  • Was rapists really the go-to danger for trying to get your significant others NOT to go camping?
  • Steve and Sharon are a pretty loving looking couple for talking about divorce.
  • Sick Mazda truck bro. It would overheat.
  • Early 80s cars are truly the ugliest.
  • A mechanic with no top teeth is the most honest and trustworthy man. Excepted he plugged a radiator for $140 and it took him 4 hours.
  • Don’t complain about camping if it was your idea. Stupid.
  • “Oh no, it’s not gonna RAIN is it?” I don’t know, there’s thunder. There probably isn’t a huge chance…
  • Wow, was that dramatic sound byte necessary for tent posts?
  • Are they going to leave their truck windows down? Didn’t they hear the thunder that their girlfriends heard?

Okay, so here’s where the story is at minute 25. The couple of women (Sharon and Teddi) are already in the Forest at their “camp site.” The men (Steve and Charlie) are making there way to the site now, even though the sun is going down. I feel like I needed to explain because, chances are, you won’t watch this.

  • Wow. Wow. The greatest song just came on as the men search for the camp site. “There’s nothing to fear/Is there?/People do disappear, but where do they hide?/In the dark side of the forest/Now don’t you get lost/He watched/You have to pay the cost because many have died/In the dark side of the forest.” The rest is inaudible (and I don’t want to go back). But seriously, the greatest.
  • Was a bobcat sound effect needed? How about ten? Necessary?
  • WHAT? Oh, are those the ghost children? I forgot this was strangely supernatural.
  • “I’m bored, let’s go home.” Yeah, me too ghost girl. Me too.
  • Sharon and Teddi, you were strangely calm for seeing a woman with a hole in her head looking for her children in an echoed voice.
  • There you go, that’s how you panic Teddi. “Get the knife!”
  • Oh hey guy, you live in a cave with a rocking chair and candle sticks? Seems cozy.
  • Yes the kids just said the “Daddy’s Gone A-Hunting” tagline!
  • Teddi is the first to go, that’s my bet.
  • “I don’t want to hurt you, but I haven’t had anything to eat for days! I’m starving to death!”
  • Teddi cut the killer’s hand and he goes, “What’d you do that for?” I don’t know, you were only trying to kill her.
  • Why is it daylight all of a sudden? This is the worst.
  • Yup, Teddi’s done.
  • Little does Charlie know that he will be eating some part of his girlfriend in this cave.
  • Oh yeah, Charlie’s got a knife alright. His Swiss Army keychain.
  • That human is quite raw. I think it should be over the fire for another 6 hours or so.
  • This killer’s wife was sleeping aroundddd. No wonder he lives in a cave in the woods. That’s your only option at that point.
  • FLASHBACK! He’s wearing a lab coat, is he a scientist?
  • “I did what any man would do…nothing.”
  • RETURN TO FLASHBACK! Wow, that hole in her head was from the corner of the dresser. There you go John (the killer).
  • How does John keep getting in front of his wife’s lover Carl after he temporarily stops him?
  • Showdown between a pitchfork and a bicycle ends in a draw.
  • Dad hugs are the best, especially after the kids witness Dad kill their mom and her lover.
  • “Charlie I’ll meet you back here in an hour.” Steve, Charlie doesn’t know where the hell he is. He won’t meet you in an hour. He’ll absolutely be dead.
  • “Let’s go see that hold man, I’ve got a feeling about him.” What? You want to elaborate?
  • That meet would still be over the fire when they visit. I guess even John the Killer knew it was raw.
  • I don’t know how Sharon just used that hill as a Slip ‘n Slide, but she did.
  • A crazy twist would be if Sharon hid in a bear’s den.
  • A dramatic and apologetic arm grab from Steve to Charlie. When they said “couples” on the back, did they mean gay couples? There’s a strange tension.
  • Steve just fell into a stream and yelled “OW!”Oh, he has a compound fracture, nevermind.
  • “Being alive is so sad.” Coming from the eight-year old boy.
  • It’s okay Steve, crying and talking to yourself will help.
  • How come the little girl has an accent, and the boy doesn’t?
  • Daylight to sunset to nighttime in 10 seconds.
  • Are the bullfrogs really sketching Charlie out? Relax man, there are bigger things to worry about.
  • Anddddd DIVING STAB!
  • These guys seriously need to get their times right. It wasn’t daylight a minute ago.
  • Hey kids…why are your lips purple?
  • I wish they would paint more rocks red.
  • Oh no, the ghosts are threatening to leave John the killer!
  • Does Sharon even care that she was almost killed?
  • John has eyes like a hawk.
  • John needs to get a new hoodie. You would think with all the people he kills, he could take their money and go out every once in a while.
  • And Sharon saves the day.
  • “Goodbye? where are you going?” I wish they said, “I don’t know, we’re ghosts, dumbass. We can’t just chill in the weeds all the time.”
  • Ending song: “On the road to the edge of forever…”

The Verdict:

Someone get Smokey the Bear because this movie crashed and burned!

Don’t let me do stupid puns again.

I ask myself all the time why I watch these movies. There are some terrible movies I enjoy watching, and then there are one I can’t stand.  The Forest was quite boring. There were a couple good things here and there. And by good I mean so bad that they were worth it. One example being the original score, which was way too good to be true. But the whole idea of a custody battle of dead children between a living father and a dead mother was beyond me. The script was not great, and the acting didn’t help it out either. I leave you with the trailer because you need to feel at least 1 minute and 54 seconds of what I sat through.

P.S.=While looking for pictures for this review, I realized that Dread Central has the exact image of the pitchfork/bicycle fight that I wanted. And they didn’t like the movie either.